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Every Word Makes It Worse

I know it does.
I don’t write to make things worse.
I write to try and be real and as sensitive as possible.
Sometimes I’m not sensitive and it’s in those times that I feel like we can’t go on.
The feeling leaves fast and I believe again that we can go on as best we know how.

If I didn’t write, I’d probably turn to a habit such as alcohol.
Have you ever read “Phoenix In A Bottle”?
It’s a great book I read in graduate school about alcoholism.
The premise of the book is that sometimes people have to hit rock bottom to start the beginnings of a real recovery.
I can see there must be some truth to the idea yet don’t see how it makes sense.

I write to avoid the steep decline into the black abyss. I don’t want to end up there. It’s a long way down (a damn shame the sun don’t shine underground). A limitless fall. Writing stops the bleeding and substitutes for a habit that would likely take me to a place that my body and mind don’t need to go.

For me, every word makes it better if only for a short while. If my words cause you pain, especially if it’s personal, I’m very sorry.
It’s not my intention to cause you pain or any type of suffering.
It’s my intention to try and heal myself from a pain that won’t leave me alone.
I like to drink casually when I’m alone. Writing ensures that I do not become an alcoholic.
I like to drink a lot when I’m with people and it’s cause each person there likes to drink a lot too.
And we drink together to remember the times that meant something to us.

Every word makes it better, for me.
I hope you’ll understand.
I’ll understand if you don’t read.

I’m trying to keep myself going and alive,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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