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Wallowing

September 2nd, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

Been dragging my tush-tush a little bit as of late. It’s quite sad really. Been a weird wave of disheartening and unfortunate news. Family and friends dealing with struggles, uncertainties, and complications. Sometimes I just get the feeling that things are a bit flat and gloomy right now.

Maybe heavy is the right way to describe it. It feels like society is feeling heavy with emotion and even a touch of despair. I’m not sure if my perception is way off about this, but just feel it you know. And in this way I can genuinely say that my heart is still in it – still plugged in to the soul of society.

I haven’t given up all hope on employment just yet. Figure it’s only been a few months and something will likely come to the surface. Not sure though. Mixed feelings about it. Mixed vibes.

And so I seek refuge in the humorous corners of my head. Entertaining myself when  I clearly know I am fighting the urge to give in. Me give in? No. I don’t think so. I feel too deeply about my own existence to give in. It’s not in me.

I look up at the sky as I drive sometimes and I see fighter jets and helicopters cruising along. I puzzle myself with who had the wits to put those machines up in the sky. Brainy bunch, that’s for sure. And I begin to wonder “Where are they going? What are they doing? There’s a big ocean and their flying across it – what’s over there?”

Interesting questions I suppose if you think about that sort of thing.

Ahhhh…tomorrow is another day. And the complex web of neurons in all our heads will be firing. Go out there and let everyone feel the heat of your mental gyrations.

Self-respect, self-esteem, self-efficaciousness? Non-existent. I’ve sunk to a brand new low. And gosh darnit – good for me.

I will applaud myself. Congratulate myself. And shower myself with unadulterated adulation.

I don’t care what you think of me and I will loathe myself until the loathing becomes love.

Matthew Polkinghorne

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