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When I Wake Up In The Morning

Fragments of songs are circling in my head. Bit and pieces of lyrics swirling about.
My mind starts to sound out the formation of language but it’s all a jumbled mess.

It makes me wonder about investment bankers springing out of bed in the morning. Fresh newspaper in hand when they walk into the office in the morning. I don’t things are fragmented and jumbled up in their heads. In fact, first thing they wake up I believe the sentences in their heads are crisp and clear without a trace of doubt. Kind of like a perfect symphony playing in their heads. Every execution or executive decision makes sense and they are on task every second of the day.

It is only when I get in front of a computer screen and start typing does the language and things in general begin to make sense. I find clarity. But in the morning and most other times (when I’m at work driving or just walking somewhere) things really are a jumbled mess in my head. The wiring must be loose or some of the wiring up there is frayed. I don’t know. Something doesn’t seem right. So I have to find refuge in my writings to promote my own sanity and well-being.

If I can make sense of it on the page I can create my own type of sanctuary. A place where I feel safe and competent in what I am doing. When I get stuck up inside of my head for too long I begin to question myself in a negative way and slowly my confidence and feelings of efficacy erode. This is an unpleasant and troubling feeling so I contrive ways to thwart it (like the piece of writing I am doing now). It gives me a sense of mastery and reaffirms the notion that I know what I am doing and what I am saying makes perfect sense. On occasion I do fly off the handle though and some of my thoughts become loose and a bit incoherent. The way the sentences are shaped and how they flow together could be deemed shoddy or shabby at best.

But the fragments and pieces of song frustrate me. They irritate me. They drive me forward. Because I know it is time to wake up in the conscious world and get my brain going; get my brain moving in a coherent way. If I don’t everything just remains garbled and I have to somehow propel myself out of bed and go look at what is in the mirror.

How about you?
How do you feel when you wake up in the morning?
Can you relate to this garbled and jumbled feeling? Like somehow everything is scrambled up inside of your brain?

Sometimes I have to slam the pillow on the bed and quietly scream into it.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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