Archive for November, 2018

A Note To My Future Self

November 10th, 2018 No comments

I died suddenly and didn’t have a chance to say good-bye to my daughter.

And the only question I ask myself over and over again is “Did I give her enough?”

I always consider this possibility tragic and saddening as it is.
And then I say to myself “Matt, carry on for one more day”. Find ways to fill each day with work and enjoyment and the time will pass. And all going well I may have health on my side and with any luck I will experience longevity.

Then I bite my lip, put my head down and carry on.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Just Trying To Figure Out Life

November 4th, 2018 No comments

A colleague once uttered this to me in passing. I think I asked “How are you?” And as the title states he replied “Just trying to figure out life Matt”. It made me think about his circumstances. He has 3 kids with 3 different partners and it might be fair to state that his life has evolved as somewhat complicated.

When we can’t settle down with one person for a very long period of time or for the rest of our life it often has to do with us. There is something unresolved in our being or sometimes an unresolved emotional conflict with one or both of our parents that may or may not have been passed down from our grandparents or great-grandparents and further beyond as you can imagine. When we refuse to address that which is bothering us we have this nasty way or tendency to transfer it to those closest to us and we never really figure it out for ourselves. We shift or transfer the blame and cannot see it the other person’s way. I’m not saying that your significant other is never wrong because they are; it’s just ingrained patterns of behavior emerge from our being and we get used to communicating in a certain way that has worked for us but may not necessarily be healthy especially for the ears of your partner.

And so I go back to his response “Just trying to figure out life”. Is it a cry for help? Does he just need to express himself and be heard? Is he trying to convey a message to me and just needs me to listen? Interesting questions to postulate and entertain I suppose.

And without thinking about it too hard and for too long I guess in a lot of ways;

I am “Just trying to figure out life too” and it may be fair to say that this quotation would make him wise even if I don’t see him as wise yet. But who am I to judge? Who or what makes me wise?

No one.
No thing.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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If You Only Knew

November 3rd, 2018 No comments

If you only knew what that person was going through you’d be able to extend an empathetic arm.
You’d be able to go out of your comfort zone and really ‘be there’ for that person.

Things happen in people’s lives that no one can predict. Even our best laid plans can fall flat on their face. One minute you have the world by the tail living your dreams to a maximum and the next your laid up in a hospital bed with not a glimmer of hope in sight. It can happen that quickly an no one really knows why or how.

If you only knew how upset I was, you would sit there and sob uncontrollably until I could find in my heart to forgive you for what you did or have done. You would sit there and sob uncontrollably just because you thought in your mind that that, at this time, might be the right thing to do for me and for everyone’s sake.

But turn that uncontrollable sobbing on it’s head and you would have the screaming match of a century. Unbridled anger that no one can explain or pretend to understand. And so we fight on through each and every day completing tasks with the anger and the sadness in the background. Driving us forward. At times, slowing us down. And each second we try to understand why. We try and determine why we were put on this planet. Were we put on this planet to do good or were we put on this planet to do bad? And then, if we have them, we think about our child or children. We quickly begin to wonder how we are influencing them. Did I just say or do the wrong thing? How does my child see my behavior? In what light does my child see me?

Then the emotions cascade. The guilt. The anger. The sadness. The shame. Yes, there is happiness and joy but these feelings for whatever reason seem harder to come by or hold onto. So we have this tendency to dwell in the negative and desperately seek or search for the positive whenever it finds us. A world of chaos with beams of light shooting through the clouds at undefined intervals.

And as I like to say…I sit here at this computer at whatever time it is and try and think of one more meaningful thing to say.
Even when I think everything and everyone is meaningless, I still desperately try to grasp on to that which is meaningful and live one more day in the hopes that I will see my daughter’s face again and hear the words come out of her mouth.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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