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Archive for July, 2018

Seeking Solitude And No Violence

July 29th, 2018 No comments

Sometimes I can’t help it. I just want to be by myself and talk to no one. The time alone can be distressing (with no human-to-human interaction) but it can also be healing. The time alone gives me time to create on this blog and share my thoughts to whoever will ingest and listen. Maybe I don’t have much of a readership yet I have the opportunity to release my ideas and emote.

I think, though, that many people (especially clinicians and mental health professionals) think that solitude and isolation can be a detrimental if not devastating thing/event. There can be too much rumination (and too much talking up inside one’s head) that can lead to paranoia or paranoid thoughts where we begin to imagine what people might be saying about us whether true or not or that people might be colluding together to come up with a set of circumstances or outcome that will have a negative impact on our life/lives.

Don’t discount the possibility of this reality. Some people actually do want to hurt us and their behavior can be very subversive and often times come from their subconscious mind. People (even people that are close to you) will act in ways that may try and amplify your anger so that you will lash out against other people creating social problems that have consequences/repercussions that may effect your integrity and freedoms.

But when I personally seek solitude I make a commitment in my mind to do something that is productive (like writing on this forum) or going for a walk in the community where I don’t have any intention of committing a violent act against another person or fellow human beings. When I am walking on my own in public I just want to breathe in the air, hear the sounds, see the comings and goings and exercise my body in a moderate way. What people mumble or mutter to themselves is none of my business and I really don’t care what they might be saying about me if they are saying anything about me at all (because when it comes right down to it I am not that important in the grand scheme of things).

So I see myself walking with my peaceful mind where I am just trying to live my life and pass the hours. Maybe today I will meet someone new that will somehow enrich my life or maybe I won’t. Perhaps my social network will stay exactly the same and I will not get to enjoy the stimulation of a new relationship or new conversation and I think I need to be okay with this and accept it.

I have to resist the urge to always want more and not think that I am missing out on something.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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You Should Look

July 23rd, 2018 No comments

I was driving down the streets of Parry Sound, Ontario today and I couldn’t help but look at a jogger as I drove by. She saw me looking at her and I instantly felt her energy transfer back to me. It was a kind look. It was a thankful look.

It made me realize and renew my vow to try and always acknowledge the existence of other human beings. What that jogger is doing is important. It might not be glamorous. It might not be ambitious but it is something and she is showing her stripes.

And I always default to this expression;

What we are doing is important. It’s worthwhile. It means something.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Saying Good-bye to Arizona, Nevada & California

July 16th, 2018 No comments

I once drove nine hours straight to the Grand Canyon from San Diego. I was with my X-wife. We ended up on the I-40 driving into the darkness of the night before we arrived at our destination. It was a magical time; 2 free spirits bound by nothing exploring the unknown in a country that we knew relatively nothing about.

The South Rim of the Grand Canyon is a spectacular place and truly a wonder to behold. I’ve heard the North Rim is vastly more beautiful, more rugged and harder to get to but at the time we had to settle for the southern portion of the Grand Canyon. Arizona certainly is a beautiful and hot place and I will miss it.

Las Vegas, Nevada….Reno, Nevada…it’s much the same. Desert life. The warm sun. Seemingly tropical days surrounded by fine food, luxury and some of the strangest people that may walk this earth.

And then there’s Cali. A country on it’s own really but a state according to the constitution. 30% or more of the U.S. military hails from this state and there are more problems there than you or I can imagine. But there is also much beauty and you only have to get in a car and drive to discover places like King’s Canyon National Forest, Borrego Springs, Palm Springs, Santa Barbara, Mt. Laguna and Julian to name just a few and not really scratch the surface at all.

I once made my life in these 3 states and I made it there with my own nuclear/immediate family. I try to think about it for a moment and wonder if it makes me feel sad that it’s kind of gone. But then I realize that there are so many happy memories in all 3 of these states over the course of several years and I cannot help but rejoice somewhat in the success of my life. Even if the word ‘failure’ sneakily creeps into my mind I still also hear ‘success’.

Yet I have to stop writing now because I am tired even if there is so much more to say. Like what about that time I woke up at 3:30am and drove straight to Texas from Canada? Would I do that again and see the craziness that is the state of Arkansas? That little washroom in that run down gas station where I thought most certainly I would be killed.

But no, here I am writing. Still expressing my thoughts on a forum. And I get to sarcastically mutter to myself “What do I have to do now to get ready for tomorrow because tomorrow is another work day?”

And then with my last thought, usually the one I have before I go to bed (I see her face) and I think to myself “I wonder what my daughter is doing?” And then I fall asleep (never to be heard from again) and we get to do this over again whether the sun is shining or whether it is not.

So if I had a glass to raise right now, I would tip it to the sky and say thank-you to all 3 of these states. Those were days well-lived and I will cherish them forever.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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A Place Called Julian, California

July 12th, 2018 No comments

It’s an unincorporated mountain town in the northeast corner of San Diego. It’s known for its apple pie, small eateries, trinket stores and B & B’s. During the day if you are lucky, a horse and carriage will go by down the street at a slow pace. You can hear the clip clop of the horse’s hooves on the pavement.

As you have lunch on the patio with a deadening glare from the sun and a mountain breeze you can hear the single bark of a brave dog that echoes through the trees and hillside. A white smoke rises up and hovers above the trees and you wonder why you ever have to leave this moment and forge on for the rest of the day and into tomorrow.

You look at the person or people across from you as you eat lunch; you look into their eyes and you wonder if they love you – if they ever loved you. You wonder if you are acceptable of if you are to be accepted. Or have too many things been said, too many feelings slighted or unnoticed. Too many unkind deeds done.

And then maybe you realize that with every single waking breath you are one of the lucky ones and always will be. You have been given and granted aptitudes that fall into the hands of the very few.

And I just sit there at the table with my food in intellectual paralysis imagining the white smoke above the trees and the single bark of the dog that I will never see.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Driving The Streets of Downtown Brantford, Ontario

July 8th, 2018 No comments

I’m in my car, driving, and I’m on the streets of downtown Brantford. I look over to the adjacent sidewalk and there is a middle-aged man walking. He is mildly unshaven. He looks confused and disheveled and he is reasonably overweight. As I’m waiting at the traffic light I see him wander toward the back of a rickety building that has a wooden staircase up to a back facing apartment. He walks by the wooden staircase and keeps on walking toward some beaten down shrubbery and bushes. The traffic light turns and I get to go on my marry way in my car.

I think for a moment “I wonder what his life must be like and he does not look well”. I shake my head “This is not right and life is not fair”.

My eyes water a little bit and I think in my head “I am lucky…”

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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