Archive for January, 2016

When I Wake Up In The Morning

January 28th, 2016 No comments

Fragments of songs are circling in my head. Bit and pieces of lyrics swirling about.
My mind starts to sound out the formation of language but it’s all a jumbled mess.

It makes me wonder about investment bankers springing out of bed in the morning. Fresh newspaper in hand when they walk into the office in the morning. I don’t things are fragmented and jumbled up in their heads. In fact, first thing they wake up I believe the sentences in their heads are crisp and clear without a trace of doubt. Kind of like a perfect symphony playing in their heads. Every execution or executive decision makes sense and they are on task every second of the day.

It is only when I get in front of a computer screen and start typing does the language and things in general begin to make sense. I find clarity. But in the morning and most other times (when I’m at work driving or just walking somewhere) things really are a jumbled mess in my head. The wiring must be loose or some of the wiring up there is frayed. I don’t know. Something doesn’t seem right. So I have to find refuge in my writings to promote my own sanity and well-being.

If I can make sense of it on the page I can create my own type of sanctuary. A place where I feel safe and competent in what I am doing. When I get stuck up inside of my head for too long I begin to question myself in a negative way and slowly my confidence and feelings of efficacy erode. This is an unpleasant and troubling feeling so I contrive ways to thwart it (like the piece of writing I am doing now). It gives me a sense of mastery and reaffirms the notion that I know what I am doing and what I am saying makes perfect sense. On occasion I do fly off the handle though and some of my thoughts become loose and a bit incoherent. The way the sentences are shaped and how they flow together could be deemed shoddy or shabby at best.

But the fragments and pieces of song frustrate me. They irritate me. They drive me forward. Because I know it is time to wake up in the conscious world and get my brain going; get my brain moving in a coherent way. If I don’t everything just remains garbled and I have to somehow propel myself out of bed and go look at what is in the mirror.

How about you?
How do you feel when you wake up in the morning?
Can you relate to this garbled and jumbled feeling? Like somehow everything is scrambled up inside of your brain?

Sometimes I have to slam the pillow on the bed and quietly scream into it.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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How Am I Going To Feel Better?

January 26th, 2016 No comments

It starts with consuming less.
It starts with exercising more.
It starts with setting aside time to create while sacrificing social time.
It starts with sticking to my guns when I know I’m right.

How will you feel better?

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Basic Physical Maintenance

January 25th, 2016 No comments

Remember to brush your teeth and shave your face.
If you don’t, it’s just another unwanted dentist bill and another person or people that think your disheveled and mentally ill.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Energized By Change

January 23rd, 2016 No comments

Yesterday was a very encouraging day. At least it was for me while I was at the gym.
You see I’ve been plateauing as of late at the gym and it has me concerned that I’m only maintaining and not improving.

To my astonishment though I was able to step it up to the next level. For weeks if not months I had been bench pressing 135pds for 10 repetitions and 145pds for 8 repetitions. But for the most part that was what I was eeking out with no improvement in sight.

Then, however, just yesterday I made a mental commitment. I trusted in myself that I could take it to the next level. I convinced myself that I had taken the necessary steps (i.e. – building deep muscle tissue) to incrementally increase the weight and pump out more reps.

So I gritted my teeth and hunkered down. I started off with 135pds and put it up 10 times. Then I took a deep breath and put the weight up to 155pds. Amazingly, I put it up 8 times. Then, somewhat hesitantly, I increased the weight to 165pds. Ambitiously, I put it up 5 times for 2 sets.

Absolutely energized and thrilled with myself, I sprung out of the workout chair and felt alive! I felt an enormous sense of achievement and pride beam through me. I had done it. I had taken it to the next level and challenged myself to be better and stronger. I didn’t know I had it in me. Sure, when I was 19, I could bench press 225pds but those days are long gone. Or are they? Now at the ripe age of 33, can I build myself back up to the tolerances of when I was a teenager?

Regardless, this can all be boiled down to being energized by the change I experienced while at the gym. I pushed myself. I believed in myself. I went for that which I did not feel comfortable with. I pushed the limits. As a result, I felt the high and enjoyed ecstasy.

I felt a new sense that I could tackle the day. I could tackle and overcome anything. This is the way that positive change makes you feel. You become more than energized; you feel like you can break the boundaries of your (sometimes self-imposed) limitations.

But it takes time. It takes patience. You have to trust in the fact that your hard work and dedication is going to pay off. It doesn’t hurt that I’ve worked with a personal trainer for a little less than a year now but this doesn’t change the fact that I have exerted my own efforts and am now reaping the benefits.

Do I still have a belly? Yes. I have a paunch. And it’s something I’m always working on. It is my next goal to tackle. In the meantime though, I plan to continue to incrementally increase my bench press and take my strength and power to new levels.

Do you want to feel energized? Shoot for change; in any aspect of your life.

As always, it’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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But I Want It To Be Mine

January 20th, 2016 No comments

Possession. Possessiveness. We all want things to be ours. We like to collect.
We like to hold. We like to covet.

This is somewhat like ingestion. We are taking something in and it is becoming ours. It is becoming a part of us.
Not surprisingly, this may be a psychological variable as to why we also increase our food intake. We want the food to be ours. We want to consume it and it becomes a part of us. The more we have of it the better we feel. Perhaps pack rats are among the chubbiest of us all.

If it could only be mine I would feel better. I would feel psychologically better. I would feel whole and I would feel complete. If only I could eat that slice of pizza I would feel whole and I would feel better. Food intake may just be a matter of possessing something.

But I want it to be mine. Maybe it may be a better idea to discard something? If you can let go of something (an object), maybe you can also decrease your food intake and the need to consume and hold onto will diminish.

Possess. Eat. Possess. Eat. It is mine. I eat it.
Let go of. Abstain. Let go of. Abstain. It is not mine. I do not eat it.

The power of gluttony. We wrestle with it all of the time.
There is an upside to it not being yours. But if you like the spoils you like the spoils.
There is a delicate balance in all of this. Have you mastered it?

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Time Does Heal

January 2nd, 2016 No comments

Do you remember when you were a teenager and thought you were madly in love? You thought you’d be with the person forever and you’d live your life happily ever after. Much to your chagrin though, the relationship dissolved and fizzled out. For you a long time you were probably heartbroken. You thought you’d never get over it.

But then you go on that drive down that old familiar road 15 years later and find that those intense emotional feelings have faded and don’t mean much to you anymore. Is this only maturity? Is it the deadening of feelings as we age? One way or the other we manage to move past the intense feelings that we thought meant so much to us.

And I believe, like many others do, that it’s the passing of time that does heal. This is nothing new. Nothing sensational. It’s a fact of life. The erosion of time puts everything in its place as we settle into new emotional and existential realms. We grow. We evolve. We begin to see things as they are and focus less on blaming as the resentment and bitterness tapers off.

Sometimes we experience spiritual rebirth. We see a new person in the mirror and we like that person. We may even admire and grow to love that person because we see a real representation of who we are not who we used to be.

I’m not suggesting that we become detached from our feelings and completely reject them. I’m just saying that our feelings are tempered over time and we begin to accept what has happened in our past. We can embrace our past while welcoming each new day as our future (even possibly a bright future).

When we live like this, we give ourselves a chance and have the opportunity for growth. I like the idea of growth. It suggests that we can transform into something more than we are.

As always, it’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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