Archive for December, 2015


December 23rd, 2015 No comments

This word, out of nowhere, just popped into my head.
I looked up the definition and it related to being so shocked or surprised as to be unable to speak.

Being dumbstruck happens to us when events happen in our life that our beyond our comprehension. It’s leaves us speechless with a ‘far away’ look in our eye like we are fading away into nothingness with no prospects of waking up.

But then we go to bed, hopefully sleep, and wake up the next day to begin anew. Our energy, again, is hopefully renewed and we are ready to face to day and find new experiences and new people.

The end of the day always comes though and we are faced with who we are and who we are trying to become. We think about it, the reality sets in, and we are left with definitive feelings. Some good, some bad and some in between. Then we close our eyes, fall asleep and hopefully, again, the deep breathing and dreaming begins.

There is something so healing about the sound of a human being taking deep breaths while sleeping. Something so soothing like this is the state we are supposed to be in. This is when we are most peaceful.

Have you ever been dumbstruck? Have you ever witnessed someone else being in a dumbstruck state?

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Pulling It Out Of Thin Air

December 17th, 2015 No comments

Whatever work lay before me, I have to pull it out of thin air.
It isn’t going to come from a textbook. It isn’t going to come from a memoir.

I have to look within to find what is there and then share it with the rest of the world.

It may not be pretty. It may not be my best work. But it will be the next step.

I can’t rely on Google. I can’t rely on Yahoo. It has to be from within. After everything I have absorbed and soaked up in the last 10 years, there is a piece of work that is ready to be displayed. It may be shared in snippets; brief paragraphs and fragmented thoughts.

This much I know.

Will it be the best, the most worthwhile endeavor? I’m not sure.

I have to find a way to funnel the energy and thought from my stomach, to my brain and onto the page. Only then can I give you an accurate representation of who I am and what I think and believe.

In the meantime…

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Searching For The Words…

December 10th, 2015 No comments

Sometimes there are no words.
There are no words that will ever make this right.
No matter how many words you use, no matter how you arrange them and how they sound; nothing will make this right.

So I focus on my breath. I try to breathe.

This becomes especially difficult to accept if you’ve had a spiritual awakening. Fortunately, some time ago I had my spiritual awakening. Alas, now my feelings are deadened.

What is there to look forward to?
What words will carry me forward?

I repeat; no words will ever make this right.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Skipping A Meal Part 2 – I Don’t Feel Any Different

December 9th, 2015 No comments

For the fourth consecutive work day in a row I have skipped lunch. Aside from some very deep belches and some growling from my stomach, “I don’t feel any different”. The hunger hasn’t overcome me. I don’t find myself obsessing about food. I walk into the cafeteria and peruse around to see what food is available. Some of the food looks very yummy and it is good enough for me to briefly look at, imagine what it would taste like, and walk away.

I also haven’t noticed many other bodily signs that something may be wrong after foregoing lunch. I don’t notice any cognitive impairment (I am still thinking very clearly) and my legs seem to be underneath me just fine.

The one thing I do notice about skipping lunch is that dinner doesn’t go down as easy. It’s almost like my stomach, in the beginning, is rejecting the food. It doesn’t want the food. But after a few minutes of eating that feeling eventually goes away and eating becomes more enjoyable again. Somewhat of an unpleasant feeling but not bad enough to resume eating lunch.

The “I don’t feel any different” part of it is something very mental. Skipping the meal doesn’t really effect my emotions. It doesn’t effect my spiritual well-being. I still, for the most part, feel whole. I don’t feel saddened or particularly upset. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. If anything, I feel like somewhat of a stronger person for resisting appetitive urges. I walk around with a little bit more pride perched on my shoulder.

But this is only a behavior that I’m executing in the short-term (i.e. – only doing it for 4 days). I don’t know yet what longings I will have. I might begin to crave certain foods and it could, possibly, overwhelm me and I might give in. I have to keep testing myself to see how long I can sustain the abstaining behavior.

In any event, I am losing weight at a very noticeable rate and I want to see what will happen in the next few weeks if I keep up with the abstaining behavior.

I think a very simple truth exists; we need to consume less. I’m not saying that skipping a meal (like lunch) is the right solution. I’m just saying that it’s worth experimenting with to see what results it can yield. Some people don’t have this luxury. Some people work in very physically demanding jobs that require 3 square meals a day. I, however, am currently in transportation and my job description entails a lot of sitting. I’m not burning a lot of calories physically and so food isn’t the most pertinent thing for me.

So far I’m enduring emotional discomfort (not enjoying the pleasure of eating a yummy meal). It’s not that bad and eating has become somewhat of a frustration for me as of late.

What are your views on eating? Have you thought about skipping a meal? If so, which one and why?

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Skipping A Meal

December 4th, 2015 No comments

I’ve decided to commit to skipping a meal as part of my weight loss regiment. This commitment will require much mental discipline as cutting out a daily meal is no easy task.

For the most part, when I eat lunch(the meal I’m cutting out of my diet), I’m bored. I just sit there in boredom and stuff my face as time passes on. I actually quite think that eating can often be a mindless activity that is an exercise in weakness, not to mention an expensive habit.

No doubt, I will have to monitor myself carefully and pay close attention to bodily signals (i.e.- growling stomach, potential weakness in the legs and a reduction in mental concentration). These bodily signals will queue me into what needs to be done next. For instance, steel my resolve and remind myself to stick with the commitment of skipping a meal on a daily basis.

I don’t know what to expect. What mental hurdles will I have to endure? How painful will this be? Is this something I can keep up for a prolonged period of time?

Yesterday was my first day at it and I succeeded. I got by with a black coffee that seemed to curb my appetite well. Perhaps I can add in an apple or a banana as a small and healthy snack. I still need to limit my consumption as I’m firm and adamant to lose weight.

Have you thought about skipping a meal? Maybe it’s a good idea to start. Join me at this endeavor!
I don’t think I could skip dinner though. Dinner is often tasty and it’s not easy to go to bed hungry.

Let’s commit to this behavioral change. Or at least I am going to try with all my might.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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I Can’t Hold This In!

December 2nd, 2015 No comments

Can’t hold what in?
What are you internalizing?

Is the internalization something you have conjured up in your imagination? Or is this something more legitimate that you actually are internalizing it for others around you and it is verifiable in your environment?

In other words, maybe not properly understood in a societal sense, are you being unjustly treated or unfairly treated by those around you? Are there subtle expectations about how you will behave in the group even if it isn’t in the best interests of your well-being?

Tempers do flare up and there are outbursts of anger that can appear to be uncontrollable. But not being able to hold it in is something much more graphic like a smoldering volcano that is about to erupt. Some people think this is funny. It may or may not be. It depends on the circumstance and situation.

If you can’t hold it in anymore, especially when we are talking about anger, try to find some place private. Society tends to not like anger and its many forms. It isn’t well-accepted unless your a goofy political character. Let it build up inside of you until it’s almost intolerable and then release it with one deafening scream. What you choose to say when you scream is your business. I know I have my choice sayings and it’s completely my business based on my perception of reality and how things have happened.

I can’t hold this in either…thank goodness for moments of privacy.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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