Archive for July, 2013

Am I Just Dreaming?

July 12th, 2013 No comments

I woke up, got outta bed and went for a drive.
I needed some things.
On the drive back I drove over a hill and out of nowhere I saw an impermanent and transient wall of black in my field of view.
In came and went in an instant and I asked myself “Am I about to wake up from a dream?”

I thought about it for a split second and said “No, this is real”, and I have to stay focused on what I am doing.

And here I am, focused on what I am doing. Sometimes it’s so hard to hold the focus yet I’m at a point in my life where there is no other way for me to live. This is the way I believe is worth living.

Once again, nothing ground-breaking.

I hope your touched,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Visions Of You

July 3rd, 2013 No comments

There are a lot of them.
Too many to count on one hand.
It’s what I need to escape detachment.

Quite the mental exercise you know.

Uhhh…looks like the stock markets on an upward trend again.
There’s no way that growth can be real.
It’s inflated again.
It’s still not too late for a reversal.
That probably won’t happen though.

Will it?

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Every Word Makes It Worse

July 2nd, 2013 No comments

I know it does.
I don’t write to make things worse.
I write to try and be real and as sensitive as possible.
Sometimes I’m not sensitive and it’s in those times that I feel like we can’t go on.
The feeling leaves fast and I believe again that we can go on as best we know how.

If I didn’t write, I’d probably turn to a habit such as alcohol.
Have you ever read “Phoenix In A Bottle”?
It’s a great book I read in graduate school about alcoholism.
The premise of the book is that sometimes people have to hit rock bottom to start the beginnings of a real recovery.
I can see there must be some truth to the idea yet don’t see how it makes sense.

I write to avoid the steep decline into the black abyss. I don’t want to end up there. It’s a long way down (a damn shame the sun don’t shine underground). A limitless fall. Writing stops the bleeding and substitutes for a habit that would likely take me to a place that my body and mind don’t need to go.

For me, every word makes it better if only for a short while. If my words cause you pain, especially if it’s personal, I’m very sorry.
It’s not my intention to cause you pain or any type of suffering.
It’s my intention to try and heal myself from a pain that won’t leave me alone.
I like to drink casually when I’m alone. Writing ensures that I do not become an alcoholic.
I like to drink a lot when I’m with people and it’s cause each person there likes to drink a lot too.
And we drink together to remember the times that meant something to us.

Every word makes it better, for me.
I hope you’ll understand.
I’ll understand if you don’t read.

I’m trying to keep myself going and alive,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Backed Into A Corner

July 1st, 2013 No comments

It doesn’t feel good to be cornered.
It’s unsettling.

I’m sure there are lots of reasons it happens.
Some good, some bad and some unexplainable.

I think some people are content with everything they don’t have.
I may be one of those people.
I still don’t know yet.

Screaming matches are uncomfortable.
How do you diffuse a screaming match when one of the people involved doesn’t want it diffused? Answer that one for me and I’m all ears.

Did you ever consider some people are afraid of how intensely they will yell if pushed to a certain point and so they avoid, on purpose?
There is a very good reason I avoid screaming matches and yelling and it definitely isn’t for my well-being.
I think it’s important to be thoughtful aboot how aggressively you go after someone.

We’re all sensitive. Very sensitive.
I don’t have a problem with seeing your colors. After you show them to me, I may have to open a door and leave to go outside.

Stop threatening to call the police. You instigated the fight and I’m already leaving.
If you pursue me after that, you are taking a very big gamble.

I don’t need to say it,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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How Is It Possible?

July 1st, 2013 No comments

Today, after working for a while, I laid down and one of the warmest feelings I’ve ever felt washed over me.
It was so strange because I’ve never felt that kind of spiritual heat so intensely before.
It’s never happened.

For some reason or another I had to release my feelings with an image to receive the kind of warmth I experienced in that moment.
I don’t know if it will ever be able to be replicated again.
And like many other things in life, I’m not sure how much it matters.
It happened. It felt very good. And I am very thankful for the intensity of the warmth I felt. It almost scorched me. For a minute there I was afraid; feeling hotter than mercury.

And I ask myself “How is it possible?”
And sometimes I slam my fist down and say “No, it’s not possible!”
It is not possible.
And I begin to feel my head boil while being incensed with untameable rage.

I don’t want any of this.
This constant flow of kinetic crap just keeps on flowing through the area below my sternum.

The ache does not go away. The pain returns and dissipates. The longing remains.
I’m trying to hold onto to you the best way I know how.

You know we’ll breathe this fire a mile high into that night sky,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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