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I Think It’s The Innocence

June 9th, 2018 No comments

It must be our children’s beautiful smiles and warm eyes that melt our hearts. Yes, we remain protective but I think it sort of drops our guard a little bit. I know when I think of my daughter’s beautiful smile and big blue eyes it softens me and makes me feel like more of a human being than anything else. In this way, I think it’s the innocence that does it to us.

As we age and become older we somehow turn into these well-trained lying machines. At any cost, we learn to shield our feelings and never reveal who we really or actually are. No self-disclosure, no trust; just a zero-sum game where we slowly try to whittle or break each other down into a submissive position. That’s right, this ultimately means no sharing as well.

Unfortunately, as my thoughts unwind here, I see a sadistic world. Perhaps my perception is convoluted and I don’t see the world as it really is but for some reason(s) this is my sentiment. Maybe life experience has dealt me this hand and left me with this perception?! In a way, it doesn’t really matter – I am one in a sea of billions and my contribution is limited and may never be felt.

But I resolve to move forward believing that this life is one worth living.
I don’t know what is around the next corner and I see the importance of trying to be optimistic.
I look for the innocence; it softens me.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Forgiving

June 2nd, 2018 No comments

Forgiving is a tough one. We want so much to get back at the other person or parties and to declare that we are the winner and they are the loser. Win, win, win. We want so much to believe that we emerged victorious and on top and that no one else got the better of us.

But forgiving someone else? How do we do that?

I would suggest you start by focusing on the memory or image or words that hurt so much. Focus on that memory or image or words very intensely and try to cry through it. Cry as much as you, say as many derogatory things as you like (scream too), and feel the pain vibrate out through your stomach. It will likely feel unpleasant but it shouldn’t last too long and you will feel a sense of relief wash over you.

The painful memories may revisit you. If they do, let them build up a little bit until you feel a reasonable amount of internal tension. Acknowledge how the other person or parties wronged or slighted you, cry, let go and reach for forgiveness.

Aren’t you sick of being angry? I know I am. And I don’t discount how useful anger can be for propelling us forward. But forgiveness, sadness and being tearful can feel good. It can heal if only temporarily.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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It’s All In My Head

May 1st, 2018 No comments

Her chin is held high and her feelings are steel. She wanders the restaurant over and over again taking orders for food and drink. She never once complains and she casts her pity toward me. I down another drink because I think in my head that I can hold my own and this poisonous soup will not kill me.

Her smile isn’t for me. She smiles through me and she already has someone and she is happy and secure. She has everything and every move she makes is the act of a magician aggrandizing her position in the most graceful way possible.

And I snap out of it and realize that it’s all in my head and she is actually a kind person that just wants to live her life like everyone else. I am a fool stuck inside of my own head and there’s nothing that my glassy eyes can say. So I go home to lay in the bed that is my coffin (remember Tuesday’s with Morrie?!) I wonder if before I fall asleep a new original thought will enter my head or will it resurface in the morning? The corners of my eyes are sore; both sides of my jaw stiff. I feel like a mechanized machine that is in desperate need of lubrication.

And I come to terms with the fact that it is all in my head and her smile isn’t for me.

My love is eternal. My feelings are real. My eyes are glass.
If only this story could end so our suffering could stop and we could live in peace.

It’s all my head. Is it?

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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The Invincibility Of My Soul

April 14th, 2018 No comments

Two days ago I was in my car in the early morning on my way to work. As usual, I had a Matt Good CD in the player and his music caught the edge of my soul and etched new words into my head. As I listened to his music the only voice I heard was “The Invincibility of my Soul”.

Then I thought about it for a moment and wondered “What do those words actually mean?” Does it mean that no matter how hard people beat me down I will always rise against and find the new day with the brilliant light no matter how cloudy it is? Will I start again no matter how bad I feel about myself and how much I question my worth in a world that judges everything by status and the raging dollar?

I just don’t know how to make sense of all the words and all of the voices. All I do know is that I need to try and believe in myself and realize that what I am doing is important and it impacts people.

And there is something I want you to know. There is something I want my daughter to know. And that is; if I die and am gone tomorrow I want you to know that I loved you…I always loved you. My love burned for you the moment you could intuitively understand what it meant when our eyes came into line and made contact.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Losing The One You Love

April 2nd, 2018 No comments

What can you say about it?
It’s hard to imagine what can hurt as much. There are some things that hurt more that most of us really don’t want to talk about.

I have lost many. In actual fact, losing has been a big part of my life. As much as I try and hold on and make efforts to repair I think I know in the back of my mind that I must try and let go. As painful as it is; to not think that I am a bad person for wanting for a moment to be selfish, I must try and let go only if it is momentary.

I can’t wrap my head around it any more than this because in my mind I don’t think there is much more to it.

I am strong against loss. It has been a big part of my life.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Partying in California

March 11th, 2018 No comments

There’s no doubt about it, California is a great place to be, visit and live. It’s expensive though; money to be buried wherever you want it to be in a relatively short period of time. There’s mouth-watering eateries, wineries, amusement parks, recreation centers and pretty much anything else you can think of.

In my 20’s I spent a lot of time at the Hyatt off of La Jolla Village Drive on the border of UTC and La Jolla. Beers, gin and tonics, rum and cokes, the list goes on and on as we let the hours evaporate into the early hours of the morning. Playing pool inside the Hyatt beside the bar watching the comings and goings. People lighting up cigars and sharing casual jokes about God know’s what. Then there’s also “Club M” at the Grand Del Mar. I think I only went there one time and the rum and cokes were very expensive but I’d venture to guess that many people hook up there and share nights and mornings of hot passion; never to see each other again without a care in the world.

But what’s left after all of this is done and the last party is thrown? Tattered friendships, sparse communication and marriages left in shambles. Oh, the golden coast…it all seems so far away now. I once had a life there. I thought I had the world by the tail and we would live our dreams to a maximum. Part of it sickens me. To be so spoiled. To have so much.

God, I miss that place. I miss those times and hold onto my memories.
There have been so many visits over the last 5 years and every time I think about going back for one more I get a bit frightened or I fear that I will be disappointed because I’m older now and I’ve lost a fragment of my energy.

What else is there to say?
That I will try and remain hopeful and do my best to work hard every day and improve myself and believe that life is worth living.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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I Dreamt About You Last Night

February 25th, 2018 No comments

I woke up this morning from a dream of my daughter’s face swirling in my head. God, her face was beautiful and cute all at the same time. In my dream we somewhere in a San Diego community in a gravelly parking lot and she was playing and or fiddling with her stroller. I think she was 2 or 3 at the time. With some scorn I said “Justine, stop fiddling with your stroller”. I took the stroller away from her, folded it up and put it in the back of our SUV. I then went over to her and she asked “Daddy, why are you mad?” I asked back in response “Justine, are you being bad?” We then proceeded to laugh hysterically together as I gazed into her eyes and we held each other.

I awoke from the dream this morning with a feeling of happiness that I can’t describe.

But some days, still, I can’t escape the feeling and reality that she is gone and not really a part of my life anymore. Sure, I’ll see her in a month if everything goes smoothly but it doesn’t change the finality (if that is the right word here).

Sometimes, though, there is a feeling of relief that washes over me that she is with her mother in California. They have a good life there and maybe that is all that really matters. I still worry though; even after 5 and 1/2 years. She is my daughter.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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8585 Via Mallorca

February 11th, 2018 No comments

I once lived a perfect life. I lived at 8585 Via Mallorca in La Jolla, California. Every morning I’d wake up and my young daughter would be there beside my bed jumping up and down excitedly ready to take on the day. I’d rise out of bed, smile at her, pick her up and take her to the change table where I’d change her either wet or poopy diaper.

As I changed her the sun would shine in on through the window brilliantly and I would ask myself “Can life get any better”? In my head I would reply “No, it can’t and we are lucky”. We’d make our way into the living room and flick on the TV for a dose of cartoons. Of course I’d make her breakfast and we would sit there together in the enjoyment of the TV. After about an hour or so we would move on to activities like painting on a canvas or practice the sounding out of vowels and consonants into words. Then without fail we would go out for the day in the car to some place; a place where we could pass the time.

Now I am back in Canada and my daughter remains in California. The winters here are cold and there is a lot of work to do. Sometimes my blood boils and my internal temperature fluctuates. I feel the anger and tightness fester in my stomach as I try and force tears. My existential condition just continues to get worse.

What I would give to go back to those days. Do I dare live in the past? Sometimes I do because I can’t avoid the thought that my present and my future blow.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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I Don’t Want To Live Someone Else’s Dream!

January 28th, 2018 No comments

Far too often we seemed to become obsessed with the life of another human being. We become fascinated by what they do and who they may be associated with. It seems we will go to any length to somehow be attached to their life.

I was once guilty of this; going out of my way to seek out and track down best-selling authors. I wanted to be them. I wanted to live their life and associate with who they associated with. It became an obsession. I didn’t sleep. I kept on coming up with the next plan of how I would Wow! them or catch their attention.

Ultimately, all of my efforts fell flat on their face and I didn’t really become part of any new circles. I didn’t create any lasting friendships that would see me through the hard times. I wasted a lot of time and I wasted a lot of my feelings. I thought I would fit in with them and I thought their life would become my life. So wrong was I.

And at the end of the day I learned that I don’t want to live someone else’s dream. The only dreams I have are my dreams; the day-to-day activities that make me happy. Maybe today what I am doing is not the most extravagant but it is still my day and what I am doing today is important. It’s worthwhile. It means something.

Try not to get swept away in the dreams and ambitions of others. It often doesn’t amount to much.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Another Day To Go Get What I Want

January 7th, 2018 No comments

I wake up feeling pretty good. I just worked the whole week and the weekend is mine to do what I want with it.
I get to go out in a car and traverse surrounding cities and the town I live in.

If I set my mind to driving carefully it should be a good day because in every store I go to I can be pretty much guaranteed that what I am looking for is there. Have you ever thought about that fact? That it’s all pretty much there?! I think it’s unbelievable. A lot of people have to execute a lot of actions for that to be true.

Truly amazing when human beings put their minds together toward a common and established goal.

I try to make a mental note every day to not take this for granted, to be grateful even if it’s -20 degrees without a wind chill!

I’m still a bit confused though…how can I make my life better or improve my life?

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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