Author Archive

Losing The Literary Touch

September 24th, 2016 No comments

I don’t know why it happens but sometimes the words and ideas surrounding the words escape me.
It’s a block. It’s a curse. It is something that is very hard to overcome.

Years ago, the ideas came to me endlessly. I never thought I’d ever run out of things to talk about. But that’s graduate school for you. Always saturating your mind with endless amounts of information.

When will the creativity return to me?

Only time will tell.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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What To Do At 3:30am?

August 22nd, 2016 No comments

Awake at 3:30am…what to do? Well I could construct something but it’s much too early and to be honest I don’t really enjoy construction all that much. I could call someone but it is highly likely that most people I know are asleep.

So I resolve to write something. Something that may have some sort of meaning. I still don’t know if I feel passionate enough to write about a topic at length. I used to feel that passionate about a topic (like Marriage & Family Therapy, interactive dynamics, leadership, organizational behavior and relationships) but that feeling has seemed to fade somewhat. So now what? Where do I go with this drive? This inertia? This energy? How will I attempt to express myself in a meaningful and worthwhile way?

The thoughts come to me sporadically – not in a seamless flowing sense. Maybe I am not reading enough. I haven’t ingested enough new material to keep the neuronal machine going. Perhaps my neurons are sputtering and I am just not recalling information and expression of words like I used to. Maybe I have said all I needed to say and there is nothing left to say. Maybe I feel like a fraud.

I don’t know. There are all these feelings and sometimes words have a tough time expressing them.

What’s wrong with me? What’s with the ball on anger in my stomach that attacks my psychological and physiological well-being? I wish I could say. I wish I had more to give you. I try and give as much as I can. Giving can make a person feel better if only in the short-term. But it’s never enough. It will never be enough. I wish giving had a more elongated effect where it makes a person feel better for a sustained period of time. Then I could be happier for a longer period of time and so could you. Yet we fight in this struggle. The balance of giving and taking. And the resentment builds when the balance of scales falls out of whack. The hate. The loathing. The humiliation. The embarrassment. When we see what we have. When we see what we want.

Life is not fair and it challenges our patience every day.

If you can, try and give…

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Despite My Limitations

July 29th, 2016 No comments

I will take on the day ahead of me.
I will believe that I can rise above and set the bar higher than yesterday.

I will forget about the one last Harrah! and believe that today is good enough and worth living.

I will believe in that my abilities are enough to get me through the day in a meaningful and worthwhile fashion.

Despite my limitation to love you I will try and dig deep and find a way to love you. Even if it goes against every fabric in my being I will try and find a way to forgive you and think that time with you is a good way to spend time and I won’t be missing out on anything else.

Despite my limitation to accept I will do my best to accept you and believe that the way you want to live life is a good way to live life. And that my way of living life is likely not the best way to live life.

Despite my limitations I will try and learn to love myself and begin to see myself as good enough even if I have been measured against my peers and deemed a failure.

Despite my limitations I will do my best to give my daughter as much as I can and to help her see the world as clearly as possible.

This much, I can begin to see as a starting point – a way of being.
I know I can work hard to not let myself down even if I want to give up and lay my hand down.

Despite my limitations I know I’d be lucky and it’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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You’ll Feel Better

July 28th, 2016 No comments

These words circling my head this morning as I awoke.
It pushed me out of bed.

If I go to the gym this morning I know “You’ll feel better”.
If you go to the gym this morning I know “You’ll feel better”.

The workout will get your heart rate going. It will get your blood pumping. It will make you feel better overall and be ready to take on the day ahead of you.

It may not be the easiest decision and there are times when you will feel like you want to give up. But if you stick with it and make your way through the workout “You’ll feel better”.

Now I just have to get there and get the workout going. This is one of the hardest parts – getting there.

I know I can do it. I know you can do it.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Planes In The Sky

July 11th, 2016 No comments

I didn’t invent them. I don’t build them and I certainly don’t own them.
Technologically, I’m way behind. I simply don’t know how they operate and what makes them work properly.

Because I’m so far behind in the technological race, doesn’t this in effect make my life pointless? What could I possibly have to add to this world that will make it a better place and make me feel like I am a contributor?

After all, I want more than just a paycheck. I want to try and have some sort of impact that will make a lasting and positive difference; maybe even in the lives of others. It’s not that I want my name to be echoed through the ages but there is a part of me that wants to be remembered and I am hoping that my almost 7 year old daughter already has positive memories and images of me.

But there are those planes in the sky. My frustration lingers. Not everyone gets to be Howard Hughes. Not everyone writes the equation to relativity. I wrestle with myself. I fight myself. I try and assure myself that I am living a life worth living and I am living a life that has meaning.

What will today bring? Maybe not much of anything. Maybe something. I am hopeful.

As always, it’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Writing With Belief

June 24th, 2016 No comments

Before you write something, something that is really good, you have to believe it. You have to believe in what you are saying.

If you don’t, you lack passion and conviction.
That’s my problem, I lack the passion to write and I am not convinced in what I am saying.

Part of me is in agony writing this. Part of you must be in agony reading this.

I just don’t believe it yet. There are too many other worldly problems that go way beyond what I am saying.

Am I a fraud? Am I a phony? Is what I have to say worthwhile?

I never think I am good enough.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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It All Fades

March 1st, 2016 No comments

Parting ways with your high school sweetheart.
Saying good-bye to the woman of your dreams.
Separation and divorce from your beloved wife.
Long periods of time apart from your daughter.

All these losses and evolution of life eventually fade from memory. The intensity of emotion associated with the memories also eventually fade. It’s not that you don’t care it’s just that you learn to cope and overcome the grief of the losses.

Would the magnitude of the losses make it easier to lie in bed all day with no motivation and drive to take on the day in front of you? In a word, yes. But perhaps you want more for yourself despite all of the losses. You still want to try and make something of yourself and make some sort of difference in the world.

Eventually, no matter how severe the loss, it all fades and all that is left is you, on your own. There is still time to figure things out and make sense of things.

If you ever want to talk, I know it’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Can You See Or Envision Yourself Doing It?

February 21st, 2016 No comments

If your answer to this question is yes than your likely on your way to doing it.
For example, if you can envision yourself going to the gym and actually doing the repetitions of the exercise there’s a good chance you’ll do it.

You need to see it in your head and embrace the image.

Similarly, if you can see yourself going on a hike through the woods in the beautiful fresh air there’s a good chance you’ll do it. You need to feel the trees and see the path in your mind. See yourself walking on the path with a smile on your face.

Try to see it in your mind and go from there.
You might be surprised as to how motivated you become.

In essence, your mind becomes all powerful and dictates what you will do.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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It’s A Good Day!

February 20th, 2016 No comments

I wake up early with the sunrise. A perfectly blue sky.
I rise out of bed and don’t feel overly stiff.
I have a few things planned for the day that need to be done. I’ll be relatively busy.

My daughter is exploring in California with her Mom this weekend.

I just put in another full week of work.

All in all and so far, it’s a good day!

Try and approach the day with as positive a mindset as possible whatever your circumstance is.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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When Internal Tension Interferes With Logic

February 18th, 2016 No comments

Most of us are aware of the feeling; a tightening in stomach that feels like tangled up knots. It’s unpleasant. It’s uncomfortable. It makes it difficult to sit still in any kind of content way.

It also has the ability to cloud our logical thinking and make us do and say irrational things. It throws us off kilter and changes dynamics in our relationships. Our inputs to other people are skewed and off the mark. Internal tension effects us in so many different ways it is hard to conceptualize.

Internal tension unsettles our emotions and contributes to us making more emotional decision-making. When we once thought we were rational decision-makers, the knots in our stomach steer us off course and leave us with a jittery sense of being – an uncertainty about ourselves that threatens our efficacy.

So what breeds internal tension? How does it come about and throw our logic over the side of the boat?

It may be safe to say that the arising of internal tension is an existential problem. We are uncertain of who we are and how we contribute to society so the tension begins to build in our being and decay daily efforts. Other people may say that internal tension arises because of relational reasons or how we are relating to the people in our life. If interactions aren’t positive and productive we begin to feel the tension slowly seep into who we are and we wonder how we are going to continue to relate to the people in our life. Better yet, some scientific experts may believe that internal tension is simply a biochemical process that has to do with the transmission of chemicals in our systems that leaves us feeling a certain way with corresponding actions. Other analysts may state that internal tension is a result of how active or healthy our sex life is and how often we get to express our fantasies to someone intimate and important in our life.

There are innumerable ways to look at the arising of internal tension and how eventually it interferes with logical decision-making. And some people may not care about this thesis. Some people simply believe that living life should be based on emotional decision-making and engaging every enticing whim. To hell with logic and how it shapes our thinking and decisions. Our hedonistic emotions should not be denied and we need to embrace our spirit.

Nevertheless, an abundance of internal tension can lead to a negative view of the self, poor health outcomes, and very poor decision-making (because our thinking is clouded by tension or emotion).

The beginnings of internal tension and building up of it in the individual need to be carefully monitored and taken in stride. If the individual is feeling overwhelmed by the tension and subsequent tension steps need to be taken to alleviate the problem and restore balance to the individual.

I’m not saying here that I have the answers for such problems, yet it may be prudent to talk to someone you trust about your feelings and tension so someone understands what you are going through. Perhaps it may be wise to book an appointment with a clinical psychologist or medical professional. Mental health professionals and medical professionals typically have effective ways of re-framing your situation and helping you to see things in a new light (often referred to as cognitive restructuring or cognitive refinement). Or try writing down your thoughts and feelings on a sheet of paper as a cathartic expression of self.

Internal tension is not to be taken lightly and it can heavily influence how you feel and how you make decisions. You may be doing things you would have not otherwise done.

Have you ever felt internal tension begin to overwhelm your being? How did it make you feel? How did you deal with it or cope with it?

I always love to hear your thoughts.
I’d love to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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