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Running The Streets of Del Mar & Dallas Green

December 1st, 2018 No comments

When I ran the streets and beaches of Del Mar I really now, looking back, see myself as a child. So unaware of so many of the things that were actually going on and happening. Big business in the U.S., greed, corruption and the collusion of massive forces to spell my ultimate doom or demise. There were so many people that were not on my side and so many people that wanted to see me fail.

Although I did have the support of many, my ultimate conclusion was to be that of failure. And maybe for that, in some strange way, I am on a special quest to redeem or bring life back to those that no longer feel life in their being.

Running the streets and beaches of Del Mar did something so unforgettable to my soul. There are memories of the streets and beaches that are permanently ingrained in me. The sunshine, the sky, the sidewalk. All the eateries, the clothing shops, the streetlights. Breathing the air and seeing the people. It is like someone placed me in a perfect dream and I lived in that dream for years.

And then I connect all this thought and memory to Dallas Green & City and Colour. The song “Like Knives” rings so true for me. If you have a moment maybe you will visit this song and this singer and bask in his brilliance with me. And who knows, maybe you’ll send me a message and share some of your thoughts with me about the music or anything else you may want to talk about.

Del Mar is forever with me. It energizes me when I feel my worst. Alone in this life. Miserable. Divorced. Separated from my daughter. There are so many reasons for me not to carry on but then I think about Del Mar and the streets. The beaches. It is forever my dream and a dream I cannot escape.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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A Note To My Future Self

November 10th, 2018 No comments

I died suddenly and didn’t have a chance to say good-bye to my daughter.

And the only question I ask myself over and over again is “Did I give her enough?”

I always consider this possibility tragic and saddening as it is.
And then I say to myself “Matt, carry on for one more day”. Find ways to fill each day with work and enjoyment and the time will pass. And all going well I may have health on my side and with any luck I will experience longevity.

Then I bite my lip, put my head down and carry on.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Just Trying To Figure Out Life

November 4th, 2018 No comments

A colleague once uttered this to me in passing. I think I asked “How are you?” And as the title states he replied “Just trying to figure out life Matt”. It made me think about his circumstances. He has 3 kids with 3 different partners and it might be fair to state that his life has evolved as somewhat complicated.

When we can’t settle down with one person for a very long period of time or for the rest of our life it often has to do with us. There is something unresolved in our being or sometimes an unresolved emotional conflict with one or both of our parents that may or may not have been passed down from our grandparents or great-grandparents and further beyond as you can imagine. When we refuse to address that which is bothering us we have this nasty way or tendency to transfer it to those closest to us and we never really figure it out for ourselves. We shift or transfer the blame and cannot see it the other person’s way. I’m not saying that your significant other is never wrong because they are; it’s just ingrained patterns of behavior emerge from our being and we get used to communicating in a certain way that has worked for us but may not necessarily be healthy especially for the ears of your partner.

And so I go back to his response “Just trying to figure out life”. Is it a cry for help? Does he just need to express himself and be heard? Is he trying to convey a message to me and just needs me to listen? Interesting questions to postulate and entertain I suppose.

And without thinking about it too hard and for too long I guess in a lot of ways;

I am “Just trying to figure out life too” and it may be fair to say that this quotation would make him wise even if I don’t see him as wise yet. But who am I to judge? Who or what makes me wise?

No one.
No thing.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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If You Only Knew

November 3rd, 2018 No comments

If you only knew what that person was going through you’d be able to extend an empathetic arm.
You’d be able to go out of your comfort zone and really ‘be there’ for that person.

Things happen in people’s lives that no one can predict. Even our best laid plans can fall flat on their face. One minute you have the world by the tail living your dreams to a maximum and the next your laid up in a hospital bed with not a glimmer of hope in sight. It can happen that quickly an no one really knows why or how.

If you only knew how upset I was, you would sit there and sob uncontrollably until I could find in my heart to forgive you for what you did or have done. You would sit there and sob uncontrollably just because you thought in your mind that that, at this time, might be the right thing to do for me and for everyone’s sake.

But turn that uncontrollable sobbing on it’s head and you would have the screaming match of a century. Unbridled anger that no one can explain or pretend to understand. And so we fight on through each and every day completing tasks with the anger and the sadness in the background. Driving us forward. At times, slowing us down. And each second we try to understand why. We try and determine why we were put on this planet. Were we put on this planet to do good or were we put on this planet to do bad? And then, if we have them, we think about our child or children. We quickly begin to wonder how we are influencing them. Did I just say or do the wrong thing? How does my child see my behavior? In what light does my child see me?

Then the emotions cascade. The guilt. The anger. The sadness. The shame. Yes, there is happiness and joy but these feelings for whatever reason seem harder to come by or hold onto. So we have this tendency to dwell in the negative and desperately seek or search for the positive whenever it finds us. A world of chaos with beams of light shooting through the clouds at undefined intervals.

And as I like to say…I sit here at this computer at whatever time it is and try and think of one more meaningful thing to say.
Even when I think everything and everyone is meaningless, I still desperately try to grasp on to that which is meaningful and live one more day in the hopes that I will see my daughter’s face again and hear the words come out of her mouth.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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I Pretend You’re With Me

October 8th, 2018 No comments

There’s just the highway now. The pavement. The trees and the wind blowing. Cars racing by and slowing down at different speeds. I think about you if you were with me; your beautiful big smile, your hair…your eyes. I think about us laughing and talking. What we talk about doesn’t matter we just find different things to chat about and the time goes by.

If we were together, how would our life evolve? Would we even make it through one date or would you say in the middle of dinner that you can’t possibly stand me and life with me is not imaginable? Or would you stay with me and laugh at my pointless and silly jokes and casual musings that probably don’t mean much of anything?

I often wonder about that. Our compatibility. I know you have to be the funny one and I need to laugh at your jokes. Besides, I’m not funny anymore and I should listen. Or so you would say.

And so I sit here on this computer at 2:00am and try to think of one more meaningful thing to say.

And then I realize that there’s not really much I can say. In fact, there’s nothing I can say to you.

So I should be sad but right now I’m not.

Ever wanted to cry but then quickly realized you just can’t?
It’s starting to happen to me more and more often.

And then for no apparent reason they just fill.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Some People Need To Feel Needed

September 3rd, 2018 No comments

If you don’t feel needed in some way, what else is there?
I sometimes ask myself with my daughter living so far away with her new family, does she need me?

You go from place to place in search of something and you just begin to wonder if people are feeling needed.

Fast food restaurants, entertainment industries, corporations and businesses – places filled with people completing tasks because they know deep down when they are done that they have felt needed in some way and accomplished something.

I think some people come to the end of their rope when they no longer feel needed by anyone. It doesn’t matter what they do. It doesn’t matter what they say. They just don’t feel needed. Sometimes, this is the challenge I face and I think we all face it sometimes. We get everything done that we think needed to get done, then we sit down and wonder “What else is there to do”?

And then our thoughts can spin out of control if there’s no communication with anyone.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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I’m Sure There’s A Story

August 27th, 2018 No comments

Have you ever heard this expression before? It’s a catchy one with an interesting lesson.
In brief, people utter this expression when they have zero interest in what is going on in the life of another person.

For example, I begin to talk about myself and try and share something about my life. Then someone in earshot looks at me and sees my lips moving and simultaneously says “I’m sure there’s a story”. In other words, that person is saying they know I am talking about myself and don’t care to hear anything about my life.

The lesson here is that you don’t need to say “I’m sure there’s a story” as you hear someone talking about their self. And you don’t need to isolate or shun that person because they are talking about their self. If you have the energy and can muster the interest try and listen to what is going on in the life of that person.

My life is important and so is my life story. So is yours.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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I Want More Life

August 19th, 2018 No comments

When I see my daughter; when I see her face and see her smile I can’t help but say in my head that “I want more life”. When I see the way she is changing from the last time I saw her and I see her mannerisms I can’t help but say in my head that “I want more life”.

And then every once in a while (likely on at least a monthly basis), I feel a fluttering in my chest that definitely feels like an arrhythmia and I again think that “I want more life”. There are so many uncertainties in life and we never know what is around the next corner that it is hard to not find a feeling of gratefulness and longing for more.

I work very hard at my job and money is not easy to come by so when I go out to a fine establishment for food and drink I get the feeling that I appreciate and enjoy the service and that I want more of this life even if it is monotonous and sometimes mundane.

Meaningful interactions are not necessarily plentiful and there are many people out there that just don’t want to talk including myself. So I try to squeeze every little drop out of life when I can. I think it is up to me to get as much out of life as I can even if I feel discouraged, shunned, unappreciated, taken for granted and worth about as much as a piece of dog kibble.

Somehow, though, I still want more life. If I wake up tomorrow morning, I am going to push myself out of bed with a mild grunt and start my day the best way I know how. I am going to execute actions that will propel me forward and push me through the day. Maybe someone will brighten my day with a funny joke or a kind word. We just don’t know what will gyrate us as we go about our day. This can be the beauty. This can be the tragedy. We do the best with the cards we are dealt and we make the best of our hands.

But even after the last word is said and the next word is being written all I know is that “I want more life”.

Don’t you?

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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He’s Too Cerebral

August 4th, 2018 No comments

I often think that I think too much and feel too little. In my writings I often express that I do feel but then I wonder afterwards if I really do feel anything at all. Thinking is very safe. When you are thinking you tend to not attach to any powerful feelings that might steer your behavior in a certain direction.

In this way I wonder if you or I may be too cerebral in how we go about our lives. Always planning the next course of action to maximize our life and avoid any dreaded mistakes that may slow us down or negatively impact what we are doing. Everything is carefully and perfectly calculated and we go through life not having to endure any of the bumps and bounces.

Then, sometimes, I look back on my life, especially the last 15 years of it and say “Wow! I have done a lot of things and been through a lot of shit”, so maybe I am not the planner I think I am. Maybe life has happened to me and I’ve had very little control over it. And in effect, I’m kind of dumb.

Yet I can’t escape this feeling that I’m too cerebral and it turns a lot of people off. It pushes people away not wanting any kind of attachment to me. Then I ask myself “Is this not who I really am?” and “Shouldn’t people like me for who I am if this is who I am?” It can be confusing and I think I am constantly trying to change myself to somehow attract new people into my life. And every day it feels as if I have again failed. No new relationships and no new people to speak of. Just a life of singularity where I am stuck up inside of my own head trying not to become frustrated with how my life has evolved.

Can you relate to any of this? Do feel or think that somehow you have become too cerebral in how you go about your life and how you interact/deal with people?

I’d love to know your thoughts.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Seeking Solitude And No Violence

July 29th, 2018 No comments

Sometimes I can’t help it. I just want to be by myself and talk to no one. The time alone can be distressing (with no human-to-human interaction) but it can also be healing. The time alone gives me time to create on this blog and share my thoughts to whoever will ingest and listen. Maybe I don’t have much of a readership yet I have the opportunity to release my ideas and emote.

I think, though, that many people (especially clinicians and mental health professionals) think that solitude and isolation can be a detrimental if not devastating thing/event. There can be too much rumination (and too much talking up inside one’s head) that can lead to paranoia or paranoid thoughts where we begin to imagine what people might be saying about us whether true or not or that people might be colluding together to come up with a set of circumstances or outcome that will have a negative impact on our life/lives.

Don’t discount the possibility of this reality. Some people actually do want to hurt us and their behavior can be very subversive and often times come from their subconscious mind. People (even people that are close to you) will act in ways that may try and amplify your anger so that you will lash out against other people creating social problems that have consequences/repercussions that may effect your integrity and freedoms.

But when I personally seek solitude I make a commitment in my mind to do something that is productive (like writing on this forum) or going for a walk in the community where I don’t have any intention of committing a violent act against another person or fellow human beings. When I am walking on my own in public I just want to breathe in the air, hear the sounds, see the comings and goings and exercise my body in a moderate way. What people mumble or mutter to themselves is none of my business and I really don’t care what they might be saying about me if they are saying anything about me at all (because when it comes right down to it I am not that important in the grand scheme of things).

So I see myself walking with my peaceful mind where I am just trying to live my life and pass the hours. Maybe today I will meet someone new that will somehow enrich my life or maybe I won’t. Perhaps my social network will stay exactly the same and I will not get to enjoy the stimulation of a new relationship or new conversation and I think I need to be okay with this and accept it.

I have to resist the urge to always want more and not think that I am missing out on something.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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