I remember you Bill.

You walked with a quiet wisdom.

Starry Night.

You were off the Florida; things may have been looking up for you there.

You had the kindest way about you. I would walk in always asking “Bill, what are we doing today?” And you’d undoubtedly and consistently reply “Well Sir, today we got to work with 2 separate groups that need our help and support”.

Welcome to the Lion’s Den Sir, you’d say. Our private conversations were always awkward – we could both feel where each other was – there wasn’t anything to say yet we still managed to create conversation.

We talked about feelings and how to best understand them, in particular; Anger.

It still rings in my ears; Sir “Anger is a message from myself, to myself and about myself”.

The key to understanding your feelings Sir you’d say; is to take ownership for them. Even if the feelings in you are boiling as a result of emotional transference from others you have still got to own them. This is how you avoid trouble and stay out of trouble.

Ronny, Welcome back Sir – you’re reenrolled for another 52 weeks,

Matthew Polkinghorne

I remember you Laura.

The sparkle of analysis in your eyes. A lover of Freud. Your preferred to wear black and liked to dangle and superimpose those golden necklaces.

It made me wonder if your logic was often clouded by desire.

“Oh…the luxury, IBM, 2 weeks in New York” – why do you give yourself away in such obvious ways?

As we spoke in a group and talked about childrearing you once said “Matthew, know when to let go”. Or, know when a human being has the ability to venture out on their own in the real world without the support of another human being. Your sharp insights intrigued me and captured my attention.

Yet I would counter “Laura, know when to open your arms and welcome back in”.

The way you pressed your index finger on top of your middle finger and rubbed it into a crack in the table. Hmmm…your eyes alive with rapture.

Don’t be too cruel now…his father or his father’s father had a difficult time with his feelings (or was it one of their wives that had a difficult time with her feelings and did not know how to express them)?

The circumference of the fantasy is bulging.

Now where’s that needle to pop the balloon?

You know we’ll breathe this fire a mile high into that night sky,

Matthew Polkinghorne

It’s a beautiful thing – this system; complex, convoluted and unpredictable as it is. So many people going to and from and so many variables to consider. It’s enough to make the head spun in wondrous bewilderment and confusion.

You can be as precise as you want. Manage your time as well as you want. Yet you may never be able to surmount the crushing pressures that have the ability to work around you – to circumvent you.

This is the most beautiful reality I see:

When you as the individual (the agent) work against how the system wants you to behave, 2 things are likely to happen;

1. You’ll find yourself in a cesspool of Hell for not appeasing the societal system’s wishes for you or

2. You’ll breakthrough and discover a new reality that leaves everyone else in the dust.

Scholars may preach that this is the difference between conformity and non-conformity. I prefer to view it as a healthy form of insanity.

I still can’t believe we didn’t die in that car 6 years ago…

Matthew Polkinghorne

Oh no…I can’t stop it this time. I feel the flood coming. I’m desperately trying to cling onto my being, convincing myself that I am here – that I exist.

Oh no…I can’t stop it this time. I feel the flood coming. I feel my heart drumming. Gonna bash the guitar sideways in the middle of this strumming.

Oh no…I can’t stop the beat; feel my pulse – it’s the unstoppable freak.

Red, purple, blue; the shades of my face. Don’t implode, don’t explode, man, save your grace.

A flicker here, a flicker there; the crackling of synapses in my stomach. I’ll push it down with the mild medication, bottle the frustration and take the unwanted vacation. God damn, you know I perform best without preparation.

Oh no…I can’t stop it this time. Throw myself into a wall. Curl up into a corner and ball. If I didn’t know any better I’d say I imagined it was fall.

I’ll breathe fire a mile high in the sky till the eyeballs pop out of my head and roll around on the ground.

I’ll breathe this fire a mile high.

I’ll breathe this fire a mile high.

You know I am going to cry.

Here comes the flood.

Here comes the avalanche.

Here comes the tidal wave.

You know I’ll breathe this fire a mile high into that night sky.

You know I can’t help but cry.

I’ll breathe this fire a mile high.

Matthew Polkinghorne

I’d never want to open up my own fine arts school and profess new knowledge related to the field and study of music. Yet if I ever did, I would most definitely dedicate a portion of the curriculum to the CFCCGA alternate guitar tuning.

Yes, I would characterize this guitar tuning as ‘hollow’ in sound as it pertains to the effect of my own personal feelings, yet I would not transfer or ascribe that emotional description to the feelings of any other individual.

Technically speaking, this guitar tuning has every string tuned down. The 6th string is tuned down 2 full steps. The 5th string is tuned down 2 full steps. The 4th string is tuned down 1 full step. The 3rd string is tuned down 3 and 1/2 steps. The 2nd string is tuned down 2 full steps. And the 1st string is tuned down 3 and 1/2 steps.

Or read like this when using standard tuning as a guide:

E – 2 full steps down.

A – 2 full steps down.

D - 1 full steps down.

G – 3 & 1/2 steps down.

B – 2 full steps down.

E – 3 & 1/2 steps down.

Maybe an extremely exceptional mathematician can explain the apparent pattern that is there in front of our eyes because I have no idea why that pattern is there yet it is. Come forth all ye bright math students, goers, and doers – enlighten me for I seek your esoteric knowledge and wisdom. Please decode this pattern and tell me “How is it possible that feelings can unknowingly and unintentionally be transformed into a mathematical pattern?”

And all of these steps tuned down on each string. Utterly depressing – I know. But unmistakably beautiful at the same time – each string resonating with the other to cascade your mind with the haunting sound  of a vast and unheard chasm.

Here are a few things to consider when dabbling with the CFCCGA tuning:

1. Consider playing the 1st string (A after the tuning adjustment) like a feather. This alternate tuning tends to not respond well when a heavy hand is applied. A light touch is a good piece of advice for this string and the subsequent blending of notes and chords.

2. It is amazing how many terrible sounds can be created with this alternate tuning. I mean, we’re talking about a lot of god-awful sounds with this tuning. At the same time, there are also several sweet spots to be found that belt out some sweet sound. Let your mind spin-off into a terrifying frenzy of experimentation. Contort those fingers into obscure hand positions until sweat beads down from your forehead. I am quite certain you will find some new sound when you stretch those fingers to the max.

3. Often, with this alternate tuning, the highest quality sound is created with the most simple of techniques. Try depressing the 1st string (jump around with it on the 3rd, 5th, 7th, and 10th frets) while leaving all other strings open. Utterly simple. Painless for the small-fingered of us. And a creator of enchanting sound.

What are your thoughts on this alternate guitar tuning?

Do you see potential for it?

What do you like about this alternate tuning?

What do you dislike about this alternate tuning?

Please, if you would like to share your thoughts with respect to tuning, feel free. And it is always our intention to welcome your contributions to this developing piece of musical literature. Experiment with it. Add to it. Have some fun with it.

It is always great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

A little less than a decade ago was a rather difficult time in my life. I went through a tremendously tumultuous relationship – it was hard on me on an emotional level.

I sank. I deflated. I submerged.

I lost breath.

I lost energy.

I lost motivation.

I lost direction.

I lost everything…

There was no emotional explosion, no lashing out; just a deep turn inward. I felt as if an abyss had opened up inside of me and I was the seer and beholder of it all.

One evening as I sat in a delirious and disillusioned state I felt my insides twist and burn with irregular and personal pain that was personally perceived as intolerable. I sat myself up in bed, edged my way to the front corner of it and focused the gaze of my eyes to the acoustic guitar sitting in the crook of where two walls meet. I did not want to get up. I did not want to move. But there that box of wood and strings was sitting – staring back at me; begging to be picked up.

I let out a geriatric groan and walked toward the guitar. I picked it up, sat back on my bed and rested my chin on top of the sound box. I stared at the strings half-heartedly, somewhat disdainfully. I strummed the strings in standard tuning and felt the sameness of the standard tuning sound silently enrage me. I just kept on strumming; lazily, thoughtfully – plucking every string from the top string all the way down to the bottom string. Feeling my spirit sink even lower, I glanced at the tuning knobs and wondered “What would happen if I fiddled around with all 6 of those things and tuned them in a way that would represent how I was feeling inside?”

For the next hour I just kept on strumming the strings openly (not depressing any fret on any string) while playing with the 6 silver knobs. As I continued to fiddle, I felt only one feeling…HOLLOW.

I turned each and every knob down until I felt I was doing the feeling of “Hollow” justice.

What resulted was this, a new guitar tuning;

CFCCGA

Or C (6th string), F (5th string), C (4th string), C (3rd string), G (2nd string), A (1st string).

And I must say that there is a co-inventor of this new guitar tuning. His name is Josh Voss and he is an exceptionally talented musician and teacher that worked with me to tweak this new tuning into its perfect state of hollowness.

Co-invention is always more fun isn’t it?

Incidentally, and as an aside, I felt you, if only in a naturally induced hallucinogenic state that night, watching over me – making sure I was alright.

Is emotional swelling a driver of invention? You tell me.

Much as I may not like it, someone, something, or some mysterious force has influenced me to rehash this troubling memory and finish what I had started originally.

And I have. It is done. We have got it. Now we need extra minds to caress it, shape it, and accentuate it into something more than it already is. I hope you will help me (whoever ‘you’ is).  

Matthew Polkinghorne

I was recently in the middle of a very important business call. The person I was speaking with is what I would call a fairly important person – to say the least. We were there on the phone together, chatting; discussing various subject matter when he, all of the sudden, he put emphasis on the word ‘boring’.

It immediately caught me ear. He was sending me a signal. He wasn’t quite entertained enough with my side of the conversation. Or maybe he wasn’t quite entertained enough with my tone of voice. After all, I have this weird tendency to default into a flat, aloof, and monotone voice when in the middle of discussion with virtually anyone. It’s not necessarily that I default into this tone of voice on purpose, it is just that I like to default into this tone in a conscious effort to conserve energy.

I’m serious, I’ve consciously decided to almost put myself to sleep when in the middle of conversation with anyone. It’s so easy and it works. Sometimes I almost catch myself nodding off all the while restoring energy while remaining engaged in the conversation.

I need to be honest with myself too though. I default into this tone because I’m actually an incredibly animated and outgoing person when I talk. It is just that I have found that more social success comes my way as I default into a lifeless conversationalist mode (i.e. – I listen more, I allow myself to be cut off, and you’d have to check my pulse to see if I was alive when I speak). But lately I’ve been feeling my blood pressure rise when others talk too much. The social/interactive balance is all out of whack and some of the chatterboxes need to allow more room for others to speak or big problems might be on the way.  

But this kind of analysis can become overly complex and unneeded. We chat back and forth, each of us has something to say and more often than not we become extremely bored with one another. It’s not a complex equation – we talk, we cover ground, we listen to how one another presents their respective self, we try to change the other person to be more like us, and if he or she does not we quickly become bored and/or irritated. Interactively speaking, human beings are not complex creatures – we’re pathetically simple and we will do almost anything to yield the result we want for our (selves).

Back to the main point, he put emphasis on the word ‘boring’. He wasn’t stimulated enough. Perhaps he needed some juicy gossip. Maybe he wanted me to say something reckless. Maybe he just wanted me to laugh hysterically and shout my guts out on the phone. He wanted anything but my calmness and evenness on the phone.

The main point though? He was being very funny and animated on the phone. He made me laugh pretty hard on several occasion. Therefore, I wasn’t being funny enough and he wanted to see if I could produce a good belly laugh for him.

And maybe all of this talk is pointless and it’s all inside of my own insane head. But lately I’ve been doing that – not being overly animated, not giving people the satisfaction to create a bit of (sus)pense.

 And maybe, just maybe, I want to breathe a breath of fire a mile upward into the sky until my eyeballs pop out of my head and roll around on the ground.

It was a productive and good business call though. If I could say anything about his skill as a human developer it is that he has a rare and unique ability to refine the individual. In other words, he always knows what is missing and helps you see how to add it.

I’m groggy and my neurons are sputtering.

Coffee anyone?

Matthew Polkinghorne

Some time ago I was working side-by-side with a friend. I now consider him a dear friend. We were working on getting caught up on some of his work that he had unknowingly and accidentally fallen behind on. I could tell it was weighing on his mind and I was absolutely honored to help him catch up in any capacity possible.

At first, me helping him with his own work was a slow process. I was as green as grass and he had to help step me along and get me up to speed as I became more proficient at the tasks needed to be done in order to ensure proper execution of the goal (s). He was very patient with me, however, only occasionally rolling his eyes as if to say “Dear Lord, how idiotic is this kid anyway?!” Needless to say some of the time my mind was moving at the speed of a slug and one morning I almost excused myself to hurl all over the place and gingerly hug the commode {Yes, I was hung over badly and I likely am a complete moron}.

Anyhow, there we were working together side-by-side, trying to figure out how to finish all of this work together as quickly and as effectively as possible. On one such early morning we sat down at the table together (each with a computer) and began sifting through messages, questions, thoughts, and potential opportunities. It was a bright morning and the light came through the front living room window quite nicely. The work and hours kind of just seemed to melt away. It was one of those days. A few hours rolled by and he broke down first “Are you hungry at all Matthew? Kind of I replied. How about we get some sandwiches then? Sure I said. You like avocados right? I guess so I said. Perfect, why don’t you get my wife a sandwich too then. Get everything just the same but she doesn’t like tomatoes.

I nearly fell off my chair…she doesn’t like tomatoes I asked quizzically? Yes, that’s right he said, she doesn’t like tomatoes – saying it like I have absolutely no listening abilities whatsoever. Unconvinced that she didn’t like tomatoes, I marched to the office study where Mrs. So-And-So was and proclaimed “We’re getting sandwiches, are you sure you don’t want tomatoes on yours?” Yes Matthew, I don’t like tomatoes on my sandwich. Marching back to the living room I was still flabbergasted but knew I had to ‘let it go’ for the time being. I sat back down in my chair still mildly puzzled. Then I asked “How are we going to pay for these sandwiches anyway?” My friend looked at me for a moment and then slowly reached for the wallet tucked in his back pocket.

Luckily when he opened his wallet cash was inside. He pinched 2 crisp 20′s between his fingers and pulled them out of his wallet. Then with somewhat of a sheepish look on his face and a slow and rhythmic 1…2…3 forward  motion of his wrist the bills were tossed toward me across the table “You go get the sandwiches he said assertively”.

And that’s exactly what I did. I got the sandwiches. And they were tasty.

I still am and always will be amazed by what can be communicated with body language. And you, my dear friend, your body language is uncanny.

Readers: What do you think about body language? Do you think body language is important? How important is body language in a corporate or organizational setting? Please feel free to share your thoughts and ideas.

Matthew Polkinghorne

*I can’t believe she didn’t want tomatoes on her sandwich. Sheesh…not even heirlooms?

This time around was a different story. I set my sights higher. I had been preparing myself mentally for the last few days in the hopes of yielding enhanced performance. I knew it was going to be a challenge. I knew it was going to be a battle. And I knew I could handle it.

I got on the road a bit too late and arrived at the staging area at 9:00am. My goal was to do Iron Mtn (x2) or do the 7 mile loop twice, one right after the other in less than 3 hours. Roughly, this meant 7 miles of ascent and 7 miles of descent in less than 3 hours.

I began the run at 9:10am and reached the 1.5 mile mark at 9:35am. I was at the top for the 1st time at exactly 10:00am. It was already hot, somewhere in the temperature range of the mid 80′s. I was breaking a pretty good sweat. I paused for a moment, enjoyed some casual conversation with a friendly gentleman and started the descent. I was back at the starting point by 10:40am.

1st time around was 50 minutes to the top and 40 minutes to the bottom. Makes sense I guess. An extra 10 minutes to do the ascent (no rests) in comparison to the descent (no rests).

I knew the mountain temperature now had to be in the 90′s and next ascent was going to be punishing if not grueling. I lathered myself with a ton of sunscreen, stretched, and made sure my hat covered my face as much as it could. By 10:45am I began the next loop. At 11:10 I reached the 1.5 mile mark with one very short rest. I could tell that at that time my heart rate or beats per minute (bpm) was somewhere between 180-200bpm. I took deep breaths paying close attention to my pulse. I was consuming water like crazy; having brought 2.5 liters for the total distance of 14 miles.

I was foolish to not bring Powerade or Gatorade. I still had 2 miles to go to the top and then another 3.5 miles back to the bottom. I felt a little bit of concern wash over me. I didn’t have enough fluids and the heat was starting to feel stifling. I told myself I could bang off another mile of upward ascent and then would have to turn back. And that’s exactly what I did.

The warning signs were there; it was too hot. I was consuming water too rapidly. And my body was sending me little tingling sensations from my toes. Besides I’m not a medical doctor. I don’t know the answers to such questions as;

1. What could happen to me medically if I got heat stroke or collapsed?

2. What kind of irreversible or permanent damage could be done to some of my major bodily systems if I pushed too hard for too long in the heat of the mountains?

3. If I did collapse or became unconscious, how much time would I have until something corrective needed to be done?

All these thoughts were circling in my head as I pushed for that extra mile upward. I knew I had to settle for one mile short of the top the second time around. There was too much risk involved and I was alone. After giving it much thought, one term came to mind – self-preservation.

I got back to the bottom by 11:45am. I had completed 12 out of the 14 miles in less than 3 hours; doing so with a relatively safe modus operandi. In other words, completing 12 out of the 14 miles in 2 hours and 35 minutes without leaving my carcass for the ravenous vultures.

What did I learn from this experience?

1. Doing 2 loops of Iron Mtn. (14 miles) is completely within my reach.

2. I need to immediately change a habit (getting on the road earlier to beat the afternoon heat).

3. I need to pack more fluids; including fluids that contain a strong source of electrolytes.

4. I always need to listen to my body because it is always telling me what I can endure and where and when I need to draw the line for healthy preservation of self.

As an aside, I did receive 2 funny and somewhat encouraging comments from people while on the hike. One was {Wow, I’m impressed! – from a middle-aged woman who was admiring the view with her friend}. And the other one was from a young chap (realizing that I was on my 2nd loop and that I had lapped him) who was walking on the downhill with his girlfriend “You’re my new hero man. I’m going to take a picture of you and blow it up into a poster and put it on my wall. Every morning when I wake up I’m going to stare at the poster of you to find my inspiration for the day”. To that somewhat sarcastic and funny comment I replied “If that’s what turns your crank”. He laughed as his girlfriend muttered something under her breath.

All in all I chalk it up to something as simple as this:

I just ran a half a marathon in the draining heat of the mountains. The double loop will be attained soon and I will aspire to expect more of myself.

You Ain’t Seen Nothin’, Yet…

Matthew Polkinghorne

Hiking Iron Mountain is a round trip of 7 miles. 3.5 miles to the top and 3.5 miles back to the bottom where there is a constructed parking lot. Hiking or walking Iron Mtn. is a challenge; it makes a person breath hard and it tests the strength of a person’s legs.

I’ve hiked Iron Mtn. many a time. I like to feel the burn and strengthen my body and mind. Lately though, I haven’t found the challenge of it very motivating. It’s been boring my body a bit. I’ve been training though and training fairly hard. This time around, I decided to run the entire route. Not a Herculean task by any means but also not a walk in the park.

I geared up with a knapsack and enough water to quench any thirst. Sun tan lotion was also a must. I got the run going and immediately began to feel the burn of the ascent. The first 10 minutes were a slow burn; my muscles began to warm-up to the climb. The next 20-30 minutes were a bit hellish  as my leg muscles accumulated lactic acid, screaming at me to stop the brutal punishment.  

I focused on my breathing and told myself that the steep elevation would not last forever and my legs would eventually get a rest. I pushed through it with deep breaths and paced running. The 20-30 minutes of steeping running felt like an eternity. I winced in pain several times, telling myself that I need to put myself through this – I need to do this the hard way. I continued to pace my running, edging on and getting some of the hardest parts of the climb out of the way.

At the 1.5 mile mark, my legs were grateful for a elevation grade change. The ascent became more manageable and I was able to pick up the pace. 15 minutes of reasonable running ensued as I prepared for the next difficult leg of the climb. I prepared myself mentally; focusing again on my breathing while respecting the stamina of my legs. Then I leaned into it, resolving that I would not allow myself to stop running until I reached the peak. Switchback after switchback, boulder after boulder, I just kept on climbing. And after a while, the somewhat crazy ascent no longer felt taxing – neither physically nor mentally. I just kind of fell into a rhythm all on my own. I stopped thinking about it. I started to appreciate the view off to my right side. After all, it is a very pretty view of Poway and various San Diego communities and lakes.

It was quite a feeling. I stopped counting the switchbacks. I stopped worrying about all the annoying and jagged boulders. I just kept on going at a reasonable pace and kept on appreciating the view. I didn’t worry about being alone and I didn’t worry about how I was going to feel when I reached the top.

At the top I admired the view for a moment, turned on foot and knocked off the 3.5 mile descent lickity-split. Sure, I felt in the water encircle both of my eyes a few times during the run. And it did feel good. Yet I did not allow myself to get caught up too long in the feeling. I could feel my spirit elevating throughout the run and that was enough for me. I didn’t need to over-think it.

And who do I owe a big thank you to for a lot of this individual development? Dr. Andrew Thorn. A man of all seasons; an enlightened warrior and spiritualist to the core. Thank you sir. You have supplied tremendous support in breathing life into many of my dreams and life aspirations.

Whatever country you’re in and whatever you’re doing, many blessings to you and your family.

Matthew Polkinghorne