Awake at 3:30am…what to do? Well I could construct something but it’s much too early and to be honest I don’t really enjoy construction all that much. I could call someone but it is highly likely that most people I know are asleep.
So I resolve to write something. Something that may have some sort of meaning. I still don’t know if I feel passionate enough to write about a topic at length. I used to feel that passionate about a topic (like Marriage & Family Therapy, interactive dynamics, leadership, organizational behavior and relationships) but that feeling has seemed to fade somewhat. So now what? Where do I go with this drive? This inertia? This energy? How will I attempt to express myself in a meaningful and worthwhile way?
The thoughts come to me sporadically – not in a seamless flowing sense. Maybe I am not reading enough. I haven’t ingested enough new material to keep the neuronal machine going. Perhaps my neurons are sputtering and I am just not recalling information and expression of words like I used to. Maybe I have said all I needed to say and there is nothing left to say. Maybe I feel like a fraud.
I don’t know. There are all these feelings and sometimes words have a tough time expressing them.
What’s wrong with me? What’s with the ball on anger in my stomach that attacks my psychological and physiological well-being? I wish I could say. I wish I had more to give you. I try and give as much as I can. Giving can make a person feel better if only in the short-term. But it’s never enough. It will never be enough. I wish giving had a more elongated effect where it makes a person feel better for a sustained period of time. Then I could be happier for a longer period of time and so could you. Yet we fight in this struggle. The balance of giving and taking. And the resentment builds when the balance of scales falls out of whack. The hate. The loathing. The humiliation. The embarrassment. When we see what we have. When we see what we want.
Life is not fair and it challenges our patience every day.
If you can, try and give…
Matthew R. Polkinghorne