When I’m Not Writing I’m Lost

October 4th, 2014
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I love to write.
It helps me to express myself and share thoughts with you that I would normally not be able to.
But on most days I have a whole bunch of activities that must be done that prevent me from writing. It is during these times that I become ‘lost’.

I lose my way. It’s not that I don’t like doing other things or that I don’t like working. It’s just that writing has a special place in my heart and I don’t feel like myself when I’m not doing the activity.

It’s so easy to feel lost.

Do you ever feel lost?
What do you do when you feel lost?
Do you know how to find yourself again?
Do you know how to make meaning again?
Do you know how to contribute again?

I’d love to hear from you (matthewpolkinghorne@hotmail.com) – 289-208-2241.,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Missing Your Daughter

September 15th, 2014
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It’s tough being separated from your daughter.
The time apart pulls hard on the heart strings and has a tendency to leave you in the state of bewilderment and resentment.

I long for the days to be back with my daughter when she was a little baby.
Changing her diapers on the change table and singing sweet lullaby’s as the days passed.

I was with my daughter from a very young age as her mother had to go back to work when she was just 6 months old. Our bond, therefore, is very special as I nurtured her and loved her to the age of 3 years old. There is something about the sparkle in those deep blue eyes that I can’t get over and can’t get past. It is a sparkle and look that touches my heart to the core and reduces me to tears when our separations grow long.

I don’t know why were separated. I was a very special daddy to her and gave her enough love to flow with the capacity and volume of Niagara Falls (Canadian side of the falls). I miss her. The days apart are long and arduous. I wonder if she knows how much I love her? About to turn the age of 5, does she have a firm understanding of the world around her? Does she understand the separations? Does she know how much I long to be a family again, reunited, repaired and brought back to life?

I hope she does. And I hope her world makes sense to her and that she succeeds and excels in her 3rd year of Montesorri school. I firmly believe, that like her paternal grandfather, she has a very high spatial intelligence. She seems to understand space and shapes very well and knows how things go together and fit together.

It goes without saying. I miss my daughter dearly. The separations are hard and I love her. She is and always will be my “Sweet Babe”.

Every once in awhile, if I listen very carefully, I can hear her heart beat from 3000 miles away. I can hear if it is beating softly. And when I can hear her heart beating softly I have to find a way to dry my eyes because her heart beat is strong and it massages and caresses mine.

Can you hear me my beautiful daughter?

I love you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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A Flood Of Ideas

September 5th, 2014
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No not a flight of ideas. A flood of ideas.

It seems like groups of ideas tend to come in waves. I don’t know where they come from or what they’re supposed to mean but they are there and it’s important to get them down on paper in some kind of sensible way. This includes writing and the ideas that are associated with writing.

When you think about the natural occurrence of a flood you think of an event that has an uncontrolled outcome that is associated with the building up of water. It’s not that it’s a purge but it’s the presence of abundance that we have a tough time managing. In this sense then, there is a presence of ideas that is difficult to manage because there are so many of them. The volume is high.

It’s important to distinguish between ‘ flood of ideas’ and ‘flight of ideas’ because a flight of ideas tends to indicate that someone is suffering from a mental illness and their ideas are all over the place and are spoken at a furious pace resulting in something that may be better understood as non-sensical jibberish.

A flood of ideas then is an abundance of ideas that make sense and can be understood.
For instance, I have a writing idea about divorce. I also have a writing idea about being separated from a biological child on a continuous basis. I also have an idea about writing a book, what the title will be for the book and what the opening pages will look like. These are all ideas and they are bunched together.

I also have communicative ideas about people I’d like to reconnect with or catch up with because I feel like there are relational holes in my life.

When a ‘flood of ideas’ arrives in your head it’s important to write them down and get them out of your system. This way you will remember the ideas on paper and may be able to share the ideas with other people. A flood of ideas isn’t always there so it’s a good ideas to capitalize on the creative juices when they’re flowing.

Find a piece of paper or maybe your laptop is sitting beside you. Do yourself a favor and write it down. You’ll likely feel a sense of relief through the expression of your creative self.

Trust me on this one. You won’t be disappointed.

On a side note. I’m a bit out of practice with my writings so I hope this all makes sense and is easy to digest.

Thanks for reading and more to come,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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If I Could Write About Something

March 8th, 2014
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I’d write about you.
I’d write about us.
I’d write about our time together and what it meant to me.

I’d write to bring you back and push you away.
I’d write for your clarity and for your confusion.

I’d write for our health and to find a sense of meaning and purpose.
I’d write to pass the time and get lost in something that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
I’d write to promote my own saneness.

I’d write from the gut and explode every impulse on the page.
I’d blow you away with a leaf blower in the hopes that we could walk together in the fall.
I’d write about the mist drops on the leaves, the dampness in the air and the coffee in our hands.

I’d write in small short segments that didn’t explain much at all.
I’d write out of anger.
I’d write out of frustration.
I’d write out of absolute fury.
I’d write to fight for control.

I’d write because this isn’t right and it is.
I’d write because this is one of the things I know how to do.

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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Feeling Lyrical

November 25th, 2013
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One of my favorite songs that I’ve written has words like this:
Verse 1

The fire’s burnin’ in your eyes
On this starry night
So let’s drink some wine
Leave our pasts behind
Let down your flowin’ hair
Come on, say it, life’s not fair

You know you were perfect for me
You know I was perfect for you
Ya know honey, your perfect for me
Ya know honey, you’ll always be

Verse 2
Hop in the car let’s go for a ride
You pick the place, I’ll decide
Go out to eat, drink some more wine
Back to your place we’ll be just fine
Open the door turn on the lights
Off with the dress, let me inside

Chorus: Repeat (1x)

Verse 3
Put me to bed….Mmmmm….Mmmmm
Wake up let’s do this again
I love you tonight and every night
Tonight’s the night
I love you tonight and every night
Off with the dress let me inside
I love you tonight and every night
Come on honey it’ll be alright

Chorus (if need be) to finish the songs with a few acoustic finger licks.

Let me know what you think.
It’s one of my fav’s.

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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The love affair continues

November 24th, 2013
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with music and song writing.
It’s the constant distinguishing, understanding and acceptance between effect and affect.

It’s easy to accept the effect in music. You only need to decide if you like or not and let it in.
It’s a little trickier with human beings.
You have to decide whether or not to let in their affect or not.
And by letting in their affect you are able to internalize the person or the human being.

If you are not able or unwilling to internalize the affect of another human being then it might be best to move one to another person or delve into the realm of machinery.
Some people are not only able to internalize the affect of another human being but such people are also able to convert into a form or type of artistry such as music or musical composition to name one.

Negative affect doesn’t mean another person is crazy. That same person may be misunderstood or existing in a world that is different than yours.
There’s no need to cast judgmental stares.
They’re just different and the culmination of events in their life has transformed them emotionally into something you might not find palatable and understandable.

Back to the effect and affect of music though.
I like to let in the effect of music right away.
It’s almost always a queue and leads into the affect of the artist(s) and engineers (theirs not really a difference between the 2 by the way).
The effects mesmerize me and lift me to a higher spiritual place where I can experience my own feeling and my own emotion in a healthy way.
A healthy way that cleanses my system of negative affect that may be damaging or thwarting my relationships.
When all else fails and I’m on the verge of a breakdown I turn to the affect and effect of music.
Hence, the love affair.

It’s sounds corny I realize but the love affair is there and it’s something I firmly believe in strange as it may sound.
It’s a trusty love affair and one that does not result in regret, torn feelings and unmentionables.
It’s a win-win relationship and I stand by it.

My stereo’s busted in the car right now so cruising around without the positive vibe of music.
Gonna have to break out the wrench soon and go back to the original solution that fixed the mechanical problem in the first place.
How dare I sacrifice digital security (readable clock) for the gift of music.
I’m such a silly person sometimes.

Some megastars are belting out some seriously good tunes of late and almost all of them are women.
Katy, Christina and Emily.
Goddesses of wonderful sound (lest we not forget the producers and engineers now).
There is no sweeter sound than High E’s and High A’s.
Octave ranges may vary but these goddesses really know how to belt it out.
I hasten to use last names because it would make me look obsessive and desperate. Not to mention a cyber-weirdo.

I’m just about out of thoughts and need to take the edge off with an alcoholic beverage.
So long and thanks for reading,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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I Want So Much…

November 16th, 2013
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To write about you.
It isn’t the right time yet.
I don’t know you well enough yet.
I need more time to think about you and what you’re saying to us.

On a quick side note, my website is advertising itself with highlighted links that I didn’t program or code.
News to me…
I’m not a coder or a link-maker so looks like Google or a mad genius has taken it upon themselves to help me in this helpful way.
Who would have known that such things were possible and cyberspace had a plan for me that I’m not aware of.

But back to you…
What are you saying to us?
Most likely best to not analyze.

I think it safe to say that you live in a different world.
One filled with few limitations and huge horizons.

I think time is still on our side.
And I feel as if part of me (a big part of me) needs you to come to me in whatever incremental way possible.
We are all climbing our own mountains and seeing our own views in various light and darkness.

Tickle me pink. Two of my favorite colors are light blue (very conservative) and dark green (extremely dark green).
It’s the edge in you that has me wondering the most.
I may say that I’m scared but that would be a lie.

There are so many wonderful people in our lives and sure as Hell I don’t hold them at arms-length much as they say I do.
I’m not holding you at arm’s length.
You won’t let me in.
And I am still to blame for all of this blathering.

What I’m giving you right now is the “Writer’s Belch”, slightly caffeinated and slight sedative (if you know what I mean jellybean).

The thoughts are somewhat disjointed as one of my psychiatrists or clinical psychologists would say. Rest assured though, they’re logical and coherent.
I kid you not.
I respect the diagnoses but scoff at the dehumanizing of it all.

I want to much…
To know you.
To understand you.
Time is still on our side and I’m all ears on my best day.

Now, where were we?

That is question I will not ask because I am not Him and I am not allowed to be part of such a world.

I hope you enjoy because I enjoy so much bringing these words to you if you will read on,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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The Right Accident

October 6th, 2013
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The right kind of accident creates a learning experience and helps to build life experience.
Some people believe and tout that “It’s better left to the experts”.

I agree but the only way there are experts is if there were none previous.
In a sense we are all not experts in a constant state of development toward a degree of expertise.

For example, I don’t understand physics that well and my judgement about mass, gravity, angles, and pivots points are not that good.
I am not an expert in physics.
Yet this does not mean that I cannot increase my knowledge about physics through individual trial and error.
Besides experts are expensive and sometimes there advice isn’t helpful at all and doesn’t lead to the job getting done.

My main point is that if you are careful enough and deliberate enough about a plan of action in a field you are uncertain about you can increase your knowledge incrementally and move toward expertise (all on your own) with limited risk or mindfulness of risk management.

A guide doesn’t hurt. Yet there does come a time and point when you have to feel confident enough about yourself and sure enough about yourself to take a step forward and build your experience even if everyone around you is telling you that you shouldn’t and it isn’t a good idea.

Try to increase your knowledge and experience when:

1. You are not exhausted.
2. When you have analyzed as many parameters of a situation as possible.
3. When you feel no other alternative may be left.
4. When no one else believes in you.
5. When no one else wants you to succeed.
6. When someone is demanding you to be submissive, subordinate or subservient with no rational or evidence based grounds.

The right accident teaches your something but you have to analyze the right accident carefully as it happens.
And ask yourself ‘How come’?
Scratch your noodle.
Tip your cap up to the sky.
Learn from the mistake and take another step toward the realm of expertise.

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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From Dark Blue to Light Blue

August 23rd, 2013
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Every morning I wake up and say “Oh God, not again”.
In 20 minutes I can’t breathe.
I walk to the mirror and see the unshaven whiskers and see a mild look of disgust and slight admiration.
Very slight.

It’s hard to escape the woes of self-loathing.

I know what I have to do.
It will require the conjuring of thousands of notes in unusual succession and various tempos but I am going to make this room cool by vibration of string and I am going to get this inferno out of my face and lift the weight off my lungs.

I don’t care how little my fingers are, extreme focus and raw determination have the ability to overcome physical limitations.
I can’t do the Hendrix 9-fret stretch but how many people can?

I just need to get this raging energy out of me.
It’s uncomfortable you know and unpleasant.
I’m sure you know what I am feeling and what I am talking about so I won’t elongate it anymore.

I just hope this can be derived into some type of meaning for you.
Maybe you will identify with it and maybe you won’t.
I’m not sure and I don’t know.
The oddities and complexities of human feeling and emotion are beyond our comprehensions.
We try to sort out our emotional and psychological anomalies by exerting energy from our hands, feet and mouth without harming each other.

It’s been a long and hard week and the end of it has become productive and this satisfies me, to a decree.

And now for a brief and deserved exhale until the pressure and hampered breathing returns,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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What You Will Find

August 22nd, 2013
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is everything you didn’t expect to find.
What you will find is nothing you thought was there.

Are all of the signs deceiving?
Yes they are.
The candles are all lit and they might not be for you.
I saw your face and it was smiling with candles lit everywhere.
And it was the image I created in my head and it was only an image and not the truth.
Why would I want to overcome my fears when you want to put terror to my head?

You know why.

Do you hear of the House of the Hadsberg?
British queer?

Good for you…
Good for you…

Matthew R. Polkinghorne

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