I Pretend You’re With Me

October 8th, 2018 No comments

There’s just the highway now. The pavement. The trees and the wind blowing. Cars racing by and slowing down at different speeds. I think about you if you were with me; your beautiful big smile, your hair…your eyes. I think about us laughing and talking. What we talk about doesn’t matter we just find different things to chat about and the time goes by.

If we were together, how would our life evolve? Would we even make it through one date or would you say in the middle of dinner that you can’t possibly stand me and life with me is not imaginable? Or would you stay with me and laugh at my pointless and silly jokes and casual musings that probably don’t mean much of anything?

I often wonder about that. Our compatibility. I know you have to be the funny one and I need to laugh at your jokes. Besides, I’m not funny anymore and I should listen. Or so you would say.

And so I sit here on this computer at 2:00am and try to think of one more meaningful thing to say.

And then I realize that there’s not really much I can say. In fact, there’s nothing I can say to you.

So I should be sad but right now I’m not.

Ever wanted to cry but then quickly realized you just can’t?
It’s starting to happen to me more and more often.

And then for no apparent reason they just fill.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Some People Need To Feel Needed

September 3rd, 2018 No comments

If you don’t feel needed in some way, what else is there?
I sometimes ask myself with my daughter living so far away with her new family, does she need me?

You go from place to place in search of something and you just begin to wonder if people are feeling needed.

Fast food restaurants, entertainment industries, corporations and businesses – places filled with people completing tasks because they know deep down when they are done that they have felt needed in some way and accomplished something.

I think some people come to the end of their rope when they no longer feel needed by anyone. It doesn’t matter what they do. It doesn’t matter what they say. They just don’t feel needed. Sometimes, this is the challenge I face and I think we all face it sometimes. We get everything done that we think needed to get done, then we sit down and wonder “What else is there to do”?

And then our thoughts can spin out of control if there’s no communication with anyone.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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I’m Sure There’s A Story

August 27th, 2018 No comments

Have you ever heard this expression before? It’s a catchy one with an interesting lesson.
In brief, people utter this expression when they have zero interest in what is going on in the life of another person.

For example, I begin to talk about myself and try and share something about my life. Then someone in earshot looks at me and sees my lips moving and simultaneously says “I’m sure there’s a story”. In other words, that person is saying they know I am talking about myself and don’t care to hear anything about my life.

The lesson here is that you don’t need to say “I’m sure there’s a story” as you hear someone talking about their self. And you don’t need to isolate or shun that person because they are talking about their self. If you have the energy and can muster the interest try and listen to what is going on in the life of that person.

My life is important and so is my life story. So is yours.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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I Want More Life

August 19th, 2018 No comments

When I see my daughter; when I see her face and see her smile I can’t help but say in my head that “I want more life”. When I see the way she is changing from the last time I saw her and I see her mannerisms I can’t help but say in my head that “I want more life”.

And then every once in a while (likely on at least a monthly basis), I feel a fluttering in my chest that definitely feels like an arrhythmia and I again think that “I want more life”. There are so many uncertainties in life and we never know what is around the next corner that it is hard to not find a feeling of gratefulness and longing for more.

I work very hard at my job and money is not easy to come by so when I go out to a fine establishment for food and drink I get the feeling that I appreciate and enjoy the service and that I want more of this life even if it is monotonous and sometimes mundane.

Meaningful interactions are not necessarily plentiful and there are many people out there that just don’t want to talk including myself. So I try to squeeze every little drop out of life when I can. I think it is up to me to get as much out of life as I can even if I feel discouraged, shunned, unappreciated, taken for granted and worth about as much as a piece of dog kibble.

Somehow, though, I still want more life. If I wake up tomorrow morning, I am going to push myself out of bed with a mild grunt and start my day the best way I know how. I am going to execute actions that will propel me forward and push me through the day. Maybe someone will brighten my day with a funny joke or a kind word. We just don’t know what will gyrate us as we go about our day. This can be the beauty. This can be the tragedy. We do the best with the cards we are dealt and we make the best of our hands.

But even after the last word is said and the next word is being written all I know is that “I want more life”.

Don’t you?

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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He’s Too Cerebral

August 4th, 2018 No comments

I often think that I think too much and feel too little. In my writings I often express that I do feel but then I wonder afterwards if I really do feel anything at all. Thinking is very safe. When you are thinking you tend to not attach to any powerful feelings that might steer your behavior in a certain direction.

In this way I wonder if you or I may be too cerebral in how we go about our lives. Always planning the next course of action to maximize our life and avoid any dreaded mistakes that may slow us down or negatively impact what we are doing. Everything is carefully and perfectly calculated and we go through life not having to endure any of the bumps and bounces.

Then, sometimes, I look back on my life, especially the last 15 years of it and say “Wow! I have done a lot of things and been through a lot of shit”, so maybe I am not the planner I think I am. Maybe life has happened to me and I’ve had very little control over it. And in effect, I’m kind of dumb.

Yet I can’t escape this feeling that I’m too cerebral and it turns a lot of people off. It pushes people away not wanting any kind of attachment to me. Then I ask myself “Is this not who I really am?” and “Shouldn’t people like me for who I am if this is who I am?” It can be confusing and I think I am constantly trying to change myself to somehow attract new people into my life. And every day it feels as if I have again failed. No new relationships and no new people to speak of. Just a life of singularity where I am stuck up inside of my own head trying not to become frustrated with how my life has evolved.

Can you relate to any of this? Do feel or think that somehow you have become too cerebral in how you go about your life and how you interact/deal with people?

I’d love to know your thoughts.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Seeking Solitude And No Violence

July 29th, 2018 No comments

Sometimes I can’t help it. I just want to be by myself and talk to no one. The time alone can be distressing (with no human-to-human interaction) but it can also be healing. The time alone gives me time to create on this blog and share my thoughts to whoever will ingest and listen. Maybe I don’t have much of a readership yet I have the opportunity to release my ideas and emote.

I think, though, that many people (especially clinicians and mental health professionals) think that solitude and isolation can be a detrimental if not devastating thing/event. There can be too much rumination (and too much talking up inside one’s head) that can lead to paranoia or paranoid thoughts where we begin to imagine what people might be saying about us whether true or not or that people might be colluding together to come up with a set of circumstances or outcome that will have a negative impact on our life/lives.

Don’t discount the possibility of this reality. Some people actually do want to hurt us and their behavior can be very subversive and often times come from their subconscious mind. People (even people that are close to you) will act in ways that may try and amplify your anger so that you will lash out against other people creating social problems that have consequences/repercussions that may effect your integrity and freedoms.

But when I personally seek solitude I make a commitment in my mind to do something that is productive (like writing on this forum) or going for a walk in the community where I don’t have any intention of committing a violent act against another person or fellow human beings. When I am walking on my own in public I just want to breathe in the air, hear the sounds, see the comings and goings and exercise my body in a moderate way. What people mumble or mutter to themselves is none of my business and I really don’t care what they might be saying about me if they are saying anything about me at all (because when it comes right down to it I am not that important in the grand scheme of things).

So I see myself walking with my peaceful mind where I am just trying to live my life and pass the hours. Maybe today I will meet someone new that will somehow enrich my life or maybe I won’t. Perhaps my social network will stay exactly the same and I will not get to enjoy the stimulation of a new relationship or new conversation and I think I need to be okay with this and accept it.

I have to resist the urge to always want more and not think that I am missing out on something.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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You Should Look

July 23rd, 2018 No comments

I was driving down the streets of Parry Sound, Ontario today and I couldn’t help but look at a jogger as I drove by. She saw me looking at her and I instantly felt her energy transfer back to me. It was a kind look. It was a thankful look.

It made me realize and renew my vow to try and always acknowledge the existence of other human beings. What that jogger is doing is important. It might not be glamorous. It might not be ambitious but it is something and she is showing her stripes.

And I always default to this expression;

What we are doing is important. It’s worthwhile. It means something.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Saying Good-bye to Arizona, Nevada & California

July 16th, 2018 No comments

I once drove nine hours straight to the Grand Canyon from San Diego. I was with my X-wife. We ended up on the I-40 driving into the darkness of the night before we arrived at our destination. It was a magical time; 2 free spirits bound by nothing exploring the unknown in a country that we knew relatively nothing about.

The South Rim of the Grand Canyon is a spectacular place and truly a wonder to behold. I’ve heard the North Rim is vastly more beautiful, more rugged and harder to get to but at the time we had to settle for the southern portion of the Grand Canyon. Arizona certainly is a beautiful and hot place and I will miss it.

Las Vegas, Nevada….Reno, Nevada…it’s much the same. Desert life. The warm sun. Seemingly tropical days surrounded by fine food, luxury and some of the strangest people that may walk this earth.

And then there’s Cali. A country on it’s own really but a state according to the constitution. 30% or more of the U.S. military hails from this state and there are more problems there than you or I can imagine. But there is also much beauty and you only have to get in a car and drive to discover places like King’s Canyon National Forest, Borrego Springs, Palm Springs, Santa Barbara, Mt. Laguna and Julian to name just a few and not really scratch the surface at all.

I once made my life in these 3 states and I made it there with my own nuclear/immediate family. I try to think about it for a moment and wonder if it makes me feel sad that it’s kind of gone. But then I realize that there are so many happy memories in all 3 of these states over the course of several years and I cannot help but rejoice somewhat in the success of my life. Even if the word ‘failure’ sneakily creeps into my mind I still also hear ‘success’.

Yet I have to stop writing now because I am tired even if there is so much more to say. Like what about that time I woke up at 3:30am and drove straight to Texas from Canada? Would I do that again and see the craziness that is the state of Arkansas? That little washroom in that run down gas station where I thought most certainly I would be killed.

But no, here I am writing. Still expressing my thoughts on a forum. And I get to sarcastically mutter to myself “What do I have to do now to get ready for tomorrow because tomorrow is another work day?”

And then with my last thought, usually the one I have before I go to bed (I see her face) and I think to myself “I wonder what my daughter is doing?” And then I fall asleep (never to be heard from again) and we get to do this over again whether the sun is shining or whether it is not.

So if I had a glass to raise right now, I would tip it to the sky and say thank-you to all 3 of these states. Those were days well-lived and I will cherish them forever.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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A Place Called Julian, California

July 12th, 2018 No comments

It’s an unincorporated mountain town in the northeast corner of San Diego. It’s known for its apple pie, small eateries, trinket stores and B & B’s. During the day if you are lucky, a horse and carriage will go by down the street at a slow pace. You can hear the clip clop of the horse’s hooves on the pavement.

As you have lunch on the patio with a deadening glare from the sun and a mountain breeze you can hear the single bark of a brave dog that echoes through the trees and hillside. A white smoke rises up and hovers above the trees and you wonder why you ever have to leave this moment and forge on for the rest of the day and into tomorrow.

You look at the person or people across from you as you eat lunch; you look into their eyes and you wonder if they love you – if they ever loved you. You wonder if you are acceptable of if you are to be accepted. Or have too many things been said, too many feelings slighted or unnoticed. Too many unkind deeds done.

And then maybe you realize that with every single waking breath you are one of the lucky ones and always will be. You have been given and granted aptitudes that fall into the hands of the very few.

And I just sit there at the table with my food in intellectual paralysis imagining the white smoke above the trees and the single bark of the dog that I will never see.

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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Driving The Streets of Downtown Brantford, Ontario

July 8th, 2018 No comments

I’m in my car, driving, and I’m on the streets of downtown Brantford. I look over to the adjacent sidewalk and there is a middle-aged man walking. He is mildly unshaven. He looks confused and disheveled and he is reasonably overweight. As I’m waiting at the traffic light I see him wander toward the back of a rickety building that has a wooden staircase up to a back facing apartment. He walks by the wooden staircase and keeps on walking toward some beaten down shrubbery and bushes. The traffic light turns and I get to go on my marry way in my car.

I think for a moment “I wonder what his life must be like and he does not look well”. I shake my head “This is not right and life is not fair”.

My eyes water a little bit and I think in my head “I am lucky…”

It’d be great to hear from you,

Matthew R. Polkinghorne
289-208-2241

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